How Bad Could It Be?

By now I'm sure that you have the story of viewers at Cannes laughing audibly at the film (and not in the funny parts), and I'm sure that some of you have seen the movie. I had a chance to screen it with the staff from our church on Monday, and I'd like to share my critique of the film so as to spare many of you the pain of seeing this yourself.

It's BAD! Apart from the whole controversy over historical inaccuracy and such, the film itself, as a movie, is one of the worst that I've ever seen. There is no doubt anymore about why this movie was not pre-screened by critics - Ron Howard wanted to maxmize his opening weekend numbers. He knew that after people starting seeing it, the word would get out, and the film would tank.

There are too many laughable scenes with just plain bad acting to go through here, so let's talk about the plot holes. This may contain spoilers so highlight to read:

• A guy at the Louvre gets shot. I hear that this next part is a little different in the book, but in the movie the characters follow a clue written in invisible ink beside the body to a painting on the other side of the museum where the find a bloody hand print and more invisible writing that leads them to the other end of the museum another bloody hand print and yet more invisible writing. I've been to the Louvre, and that place is huge. We're talking 10 minutes or more to walk a straight line from one end to the other on a single floor, and they want me to believe that a critically wounded man wandered around this museum (without leaving a bloody trail other than his hand print in specific places), wrote coded notes in invisible ink, wandered back to the place where he was shot, wrote another coded note, drew all over himself, then croaked in a very specific position. Get real!
• A guy at the Louvre pulls a painting off the wall and one gate comes crashing down, and the guy that chasing gets away. Don't you think that if you pulled any painting off the wall in the Louvre that the place would lock down tighter than Fort Knox? I mean they have some of the world's oldest treasure. Nobody gets out of that place after a painting is pulled off the wall, and certainly more than one gate would crash closed.
• Don't get offended lady friends, but a car chase with the lead car, driven by a lady, going top speed, in reverse, through the twisty crowded streets of Paris. Maybe Danica Patrick could pull that off.....maybe. For that matter, I'm not sure I know any guys good enough to handle that, but the scene is pretty cool. Great stunt driver.
• As many of you know the idea is that Mary Magdeleine was supposed to be the church's true leader, and that this "girl power" was passed down through the centuries by way of a line of daughters. Is it just mean or does it seem a little inconsistent that this secret is entrusted to a bunch of men? I thought men were the problem and that's why Mary Magdeleine went into hiding in the first place.
• And on the whole Mary Magdeleine deal. Who cares? Let's say that Mary Magdeleine really did go into hiding and that she really did have a daughter. What's the big deal about finding her body to prove that a certain contemporary person is her descendant? It wouldn't prove anything about Mary's spouse, and it wouldn't be any earth shattering news to find out that someone 2,000 years ago had a kid and their bloodline is still alive.
• And another thing. I don't believe that Jesus had a kid, but what if He had a wife? Would that really be a shock to the world? It would fit perfectly with His being man and being a part of the culture of His time, and it wouldn't change anything about His divinity, mission, or salvation. The Bible isn't a history book and it doesn't say one way or the other. It just doesn't matter.
• Back to plot holes. How about the way they found a clue in a safety deposit that hadn't been accessed in over 50 years (according to the bank manager), but the clue is revealed to show a location that's only been in existence for less than 20 (17 to be exact). Either I.M. Pei was commissioned to build the Louvre pyramids to speicifically fit the clue or the bank manager was incorrect. I think it's just a huge plot hole!
• Further, when our protagonist finds a supposed location of Mary Magdeleine's body (but the body's been moved) there's a rose in it's place. Do these people keep going back to the old locations and setting out roses just in case someone else comes along? That seems kind of risky if you're trying to not be identified as a member of this secret society. Or does Mary's spirit give the roses an unnaturally long life so that they don't wither?
• Finally, having been to several different European countries and tons of churches in these countries, I can tell that one consistent thing across them all is that they don't let you just wander around in them. They are all taken very seriously in terms of reverence and historical significance. The protagonist wandering around these churches like he owns the place is simply unrealistic.

Overall, I give the movie 1.5 out of 5 stars, but that mostly because it got me out of the office for an afternoon. View it at your own risk, but don't worry about this movie starting any kind of uprising against Christianity; there's no way it could be taken that serioulsy.