First of all let me just say that until I read this article, I had no idea that there are actually people out there called "toilet-paper researchers." Now that I know, I'm wondering how you end up in such a career. Is this considered a promotion from arm-pit sniffer? Or is it just the entry point on your way to hemorrhoid cream tester?
Are there kids out there right now that, if asked, would say they want to grow up and study toilet paper? I've got a couple of kids that like to play with the stuff. Maybe that's how it starts. A simple fascination with the idea of, "How did they get it all on that roll so straight?" The next thing you know, you're kid is standing in a bathroom stall with a clipboard and stopwatch asking people how their ***s feel.
Don't laugh. It's a dangerous job that could lead to a lot of misunderstanding, especially in certain airports known to be frequented by members of Congress. And, as I understand these things, if you inadvertently start tapping your foot while waiting for feedback, watch out. You might just start making new friends.
However it happens, there are people out there serving the public interest as toilet-paper researchers, and they have recently made a breakthrough. The 3-ply toilet paper sheet has apparently been an elusive goal, and they have finally determined that really all they needed was one more ply. That really didn't seem too complicated to me, but I'm not an expert in toilet-paper research.
The more puzzling thing to me is that the target market for the breakthrough 3-ply tissue is "women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a 'sanctuary for quality time.'" Huh?? Ladies, please tell me. Is there something going on in there while we are waiting on you to get ready that we need to know about? And why in the world would it take 3-ply tissue? And what in the world does "sanctuary for quality time" mean?
If you're getting your quality time with the bathroom furnishings, then you might need more help than 3-ply tissue can offer. Let's just leave it at that.
Personally, I'd like to see the toilet-paper researchers do something productive like answer the question of why there's never any toilet paper in the bathroom when you really need it.
