Health Screening

Yesterday we had a group come in to the office and do health screenings for everyone. You'll be happy to know that I am still alive.

The past couple of times that I've seen Mom, she's commented on how tall I seem. She's been insistent that I've grown an inch or two in the last year or so. Unfortunately for Mom, part of the screening yesterday was measuring my height, and I am still the same five foot ten that I've been since high school. I guess that means that she's shrinking. Caci should run over real quick and measure herself; she might finally have the chance to be taller than Mom.

Other than height, they also checked my weight, flexibility, cholesterol (good, bad, and total), triglycerides, blood pressure, heart rate, blood sugar, and whether or not I wear a seat belt when driving. Apparently, wearing a seat belt when driving is right up there with eating healthy when looking at a comprehensive health plan. Anyway, everything was in the normal ranges, so they rated me at having a 2% chance of having a heart attack in the next 10 years. I wonder what the odds would be if I didn't wear a seat belt?

Regardless, I figure that makes it okay for me to get a cheeseburger, coke, and chili cheese fries for lunch today, don't you?

Survival of the Fittest?

I was thinking this morning on the way to work about evolution and the survival of the fittest and all of those theories, and I've run across something that I just can't figure out. In my understanding of the situation, the theory of evolution says that one species will give way to a better species through a series of mutations and mating encounters create entirely new species, and that the strongest of the population survive to mate and pass along their superior genes. If I don't have at least the general concept right, then stop me here and let me know, but I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it.

I can't even begin to get my brain around how a dog could give birth to something that's not a dog. Maybe they would have to mate with a cat or something, but I'm not sure that a dog could get a cat pregnant. So, I really have a hard time grasping how one day a monkey gave birth to a human (I know it wasn't that direct, but work with me). Or more specifically, two monkeys gave birth to two humans and those two humans just happened to find each other and mate to give birth to more humans.

On the other hand, we watch the Discovery channel and see that natural selection allows the fast zebras to escape the cheetah, while the weak and slow ones are devoured. At the same time, it allows the fastest cheetah to catch its prey and eat while the slowest goes hungry. Two sides of the same coin, and it makes good logical sense….at first.

Now, let's try to reconcile the two. Monkeys have animal instincts. They can hunt, forage for food, eat the right plants, make nests, climb trees, and so on all by themselves. Humans cannot. Humans are basically idiots compared to most other animals when they are born. A human baby will put his hand in a fire, eat poisonous foods, play with snakes, and walk off the side of a cliff if not attended to by their parents. Pretty much no other animal has offspring that stupid. Yet, we are the pinnacle of evolution. How exactly did the first baby humans survive without human parents to raise them? And how did the second generation survive without grandparents to babysit? Seriously, how did we pop out of the oven with no hair and survive the winter; with no claws and find our dinner; with no sharp eyesight and survive the night? It doesn't make good sense. Wouldn't we have been the weakest link when the cheetah came along? Wouldn't we have been the weakest hunter, forced to starve because we couldn't feed ourselves?

You would think so when you take natural selection at face value, but assuming that we did somehow survive. Maybe there was a compassionate gorilla somewhere, like in Tarzon, that took care of us. How did we end up with so many dorky nerds in the world? Think about it. How are there any slow cheetahs left? How are there any slow zebra left? Wouldn't all of those genes have been bred out by now through natural selection? Only the strongest and fastest survived to mate and they mated with another strongest and fastest so how did they have slow, stupid kids?

Back in the day, the strongest humans could hunt and fight and keep the Roman hordes from invading their city. No one wanted to be married to a sissy that couldn't put meat on the table, so how come we didn't breed all of the ugly nerds out of the human race back around the time of cave paintings? It must be something else. It seems obvious to me that natural selection doesn't tell the whole story and evolution still just doesn't make sense.

And this dorky nerd is definitely thankful for that.

Animal Rights

Two great articles for you today, and they both involve animals.

First up, a mouse that just won't give up: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17773580/

Apparently, Bill Exner and his wife have issues with killing mice. I only say that because they claim to have caught the same mouse in their house three different times. I am making the assumption here, though, that when they say they "caught the mouse in their house" that they mean caged, boxed, trapped, etc. not found, walked in on, surprised, etc. It could go either way though. Mrs. Exner is quoted as saying, "He's [the mouse] taunting him [Mr. Exner] – I swear he's taunting him."

I hope I got that right. Honestly, in the context of the story it could easily have been Mr. Exner that was taunting the mouse. What else could you call it when you catch the same mouse three times? Why else would you let it go???? There's only one explanation. You want to taunt the mouse. Mr. Exner just wants to make sure that that furry little rodent knows who's the master of his domain and it ain't no little buck toothed rodent.

Of course, the rodent ain't all stupid. As long as these guys keep catching him and letting him go, he's going to have to some fun. Apparently, he took Mr. Exner's dentures and hid them behind the wall and under the floorboards. Now, I would normally ask why go through all the trouble to cut a hole in your wall, pry up the baseboard, and chop through some lumber to get back a set of dentures that no sane person would ever put in their mouth again, but I'm going to skip that on the assumption that anyone that catches a mouse and lets it go three times might actually rather spend the extra money to repair the damage they did to their own home while sucking on the dentures that they retrieved during their treasure hunt. Besides, once you get started, the curiosity of what else you might find just keeps you going.

Second, not even the crocs want to be in the Gaza Strip anymore. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17797967/

With all of the fighting over the Gaza Strip, things have heated to a level where the animals are paying to get out of there in any way they can. Unfortunately, the only crossing is for people and it's constantly monitored, so they've taken to piggybacking on brave humans that have little to no sense.

Case in point: just last a week a woman was stopped and found to be carrying three crocodiles under her robe. She said she "was asked" to carry them across. Obviously she was trying to avoid telling the authorities that she hears animals talking to her, but the good news is that everyone around "was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

That's what I'm looking for in a woman. Someone that's covered up from head to toe and when I finally get to take that robe off I find snapping jaws of death crawling out of her armpits. Sign me up!

She's not alone, though. Based on this report, another woman tried to bring a monkey across (that could be code for her husband, I'm not entirely sure) tied to her chest, and other travelers tried to bring exotic birds and a tiger cub (where'd they hide that?). Obviously, the animals in Gaza have stooped to a new low in this conflict and we must call in the Discovery channel and National Geographic immediately to help improve conditions in Gaza for the animals. If not for them, at least do it for the unsuspecting husbands on the other side of that border crossing. Snap! Snap!