Thursday, August 16, 2007

Big Brother’s Watching

I ran across an article that seemed too absurd to really be entirely true, so I did a little research. Much to my surprise, the original article that I read is, in fact, based entirely in truth. I'll share the articles that I've found and some of my own thoughts and then you let decide what you think about this.

http://www.tsa.gov/press/releases/2006/press_release_0684.shtm - Press Release from TSA

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20298840/site/newsweek/page/0/ - Newsweek commentary (original article I read)

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/27/AR2006102701478.html - Washington Post commentary

The Newsweek and Washington Post commentaries have opposing views on the situation, so you should probably read them both to form your own opinion.

The basics of the situation is the TSA is recruiting, hiring, and placing "Behavior Detection Officers" (has a distinctly Orwellian ring, doesn't it?) in airports around the country. As a part of the TSA's Screening Passengers by Observational Techniques (SPOT) program, these employees have the task of flagging anyone that looks suspicious and pulling them aside for questioning.

Now that I know about this program, I think that I'd like to have some fun with it. As I stand in line at the airport wondering why I can't take a bottle of water through security, but I can take a bladder full of water that I just chugged even though it's not in a clear bag, I might just have to start making funny faces; just to see if they can discern my true intentions or not.

Imagine standing in line with a pained look on your face. Most people wouldn't notice, but the BDO is alert and hops right over to you. "Where are you going today, sir?" they ask. Right about that time, you let loose a fart that's been building since you left your house.

"Oops. Sorry about that guys. I didn't think I could take lethal gas through the security checkpoint with me."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

How to Beat the Wrap

There are movies, songs, and video games centered on the idea of getting away with a crime. In some, the criminals are just criminals that earn our respect because they're not the worst of the characters. In others, the criminals are fighting some larger evil so their actions are justified. And in many, someone gets wrapped in duct tape before it's all over.

Generally speaking, the victim of the duct tape is a hostage of the criminals and the duct tape may be used to secure them to a chair, seal their mouth to prevent screaming, or in one particular movie to force a staged suicide (Shooter, if you didn't know). Honestly, I've never seen any medium where the criminals used duct tape as a disguise. But they say truth is stranger than fiction.

So, imagine that you are sitting at home one day and you're really in need of some cash. You decide that you've tried all the legitimate methods that you can stand, so you're going to turn to crime. Of course, you don't want to be caught or identified, so you'll have to cover your face. You look around to see what you can use.

A leftover plastic bag from the grocery store catches your eye. That seems like a good idea. You put the bag over your head and quickly realize that it will never work. You can only make out odd shapes through the murky plastic. You can barely breathe as the bag covers your mouth and nose tighter and tighter. And what's that smell? How old is this bag anyway? You barely have enough sense to take the bag off your head before you suffocate.

How about that paper bag instead? You slide it over your head and the world goes dark. You can still breathe, but you're starting to hyperventilate from your fear of the dark. It's a good thing you've got a paper bag handy. You bend over to catch your breath and the bag slips off your head. It'll never work.

Quickly, you run through more options with similar results. The pantyhose from your wife's gym bag smells funny. The sheet keeps slipping off your head. You can't see through the bandana. You need something that's versatile enough to provide a disguise that won't fall off and won't cover your eyes.

Then it hits you. Duct tape. MacGyver used it all the time. As a matter of fact, he probably said something like, "There ain't nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape." And you've got some in your garage right now.

You grab the duct tape and slowly start wrapping it around your head. Carefully, you avoid covering your eyes, nostrils, and mouth. It would be completely stupid to tape those closed. Only an idiot would do that. And when you're done, you admire your new disguise in the bathroom mirror. You look like something from an old sci-fi movie, but that's okay. In order to pull off this crime you're going to need to strike fear in your victim's heart. Truly, you need to become someone else.

And that's when you realize the most important part of your disguise. You've got to become someone else. When MacGyver used duct tape, he was still MacGyver. All you are right now is you with duct tape. You can't be you. You don't want to go to jail. And a good disguise isn't just about changing your appearance it's about changing who you are. When Beavis pulled his shirt up over his head, he wasn't Beavis anymore. He was Cornholio. When you pull your shirt up over your head, you'll be the greatest criminal mind ever.

So, with your shirt pulled over your head and duct tape covering your face, you head out to the local liquor store to get some spending money. Unfortunately, this particular liquor store has its own use for duct tape. They've got it wrapped around the end of a billy club so as cover the injuries they're going to put in your sorry hide when they open a case of whoop @$$ on you. Fleeing the scene you soon discover that they've also got a 220lb linebacker on staff that's just been itching to tackle something all day.

Of course, all of this is just fictional. It never really happened. So when the police pick you up, wrapped in duct tape, with your shirt pulled up over your head, you keep your mouth shut. After all, you're not an idiot. And when they finish unwrapping the duct tape from your face and ask you what you were doing, you tell them truth:

The last thing you remember is going to sleep on your couch. If some idiot was holding up a liquor store with duct tape all over his face, why did you arrest me and not him?

And now for the real truth:

http://www.wsaz.com/news/headlines/9129056.html#

Be sure to watch both of the videos. The newscast is funny, but the unedited interview is my favorite.