Redneck Games

I can't really add anything to this. It's too funny on it's own:

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/13850604/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=news

Oh. Okay. I'll try.

The article says that Oscar Still – we'll call him "Moonshine" – organized the Redneck Games somewhere southeast of Dallas. Apparently, one of the rules is that "Being a Redneck is allowed….Ignorance is not." I'm not really sure that sentence makes much sense to me. I thought the two went hand in hand. Ignorance and redneck, I mean. And, apparently, with all the citations and arrests that occurred at this latest Redneck Games, they didn't do a very good job of outlawing ignorance in the first place.

I'm more interested in the games that were supposedly played at this event. For example, an ugly "butt-crack contest?" First of all, who wants to be a judge for that? And second of all, how do you judge that? "Whoa! Bubba, you got some serious dingle berries there, man! You know that's illegal. You can't have any decoration in your butt-crack!" And what's the prize for winning the contest? Toilet paper or a hair removal system?

Or how about the "Mattress Chunk" in which two teams race to drink a case of beer, then drive a truck, and then see who can throw a mattress from the truck the farthest. It wasn't clear whether the truck was still moving during the throwing phase or not, but I imagine that after the case of beer there were a lot of variations anyway. Of course, I also imagine that after a case of beer and driving across a muddy field, the "Chunk" part of this game may not have been referring to tossing the mattress.

Finally, they also had a "Daisy Duke Show-Off" for women in cut-offs. My guess, though, is that that part of the games wasn't scheduled until after everyone had had at least one case of beer, and was a welcome relief for the butt crack judges.

The neighbor says that just having this going on across the street is destroying his life. I say, as long as it going down the drain, you might as well go across the street and have some fun with it.

Shake It, Baby

Honestly, I've never been to a strip club. I've never seen a strip show. I've never really had a desire. Of course, I understand the concept. I've watched plenty of cop movies, and everyone knows that in order for the detective to crack the big case he has to turn in his badge and go to the strip club. All of the baddest criminals in the world own or at least hang out in strip clubs. I guess that's part of the reason why I never wanted to go. I'm not a criminal or a detective.

The truth is that I've known some guys that went to strip clubs, and they all said the same thing. They all said that the women were not really worth the money. Now it might have just been the clubs that they were going to, but they all reported that the women looked like they'd been rode hard and put up wet and that most of them were probably wearing bags over their heads during the riding part. So, why bother? If I wanted to see a bunch of naked women, I could always just go and get a nice, fresh copy of Playboy or some other staged and airbrushed photo filled magazine.

All of that was right up until I saw this article yesterday:

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/13817761/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=nationalnews

Apparently, the next time that I'm in Port St. Lucie, I need to hire Ms. Nantz. According to the police report, she only turned away from her client for a few seconds and when she looked back he was passed out. Now, that, my friends, must be one heck of an @$$.

Of course I wonder if he really passed out, or if he just wanted to get around that pesky no touching rule. After Ms. Nantz noticed that he was not breathing, she immediately started CPR, which reminds me of scene from the movie The Sandlot. In the movie, one of the kids fakes drowning so that the lifeguard he has a crush on will perform mouth-to-mouth on him. It worked in the movie….sort of. Why not try it with a stripper?

I think the guy is lucky that Ms. Nantz knew CPR. Without her quick thinking, he might not have made it. So, I wonder if CPR training is something that all strippers receive just in case something like this happens? Or do they judge the need for you to know CPR based on some "hotness" factor. Is the management of the club trying to determine the likelihood that you would make a client pass out? And do girls at both ends of the scale receive training?

I mean some of the girls would be so unbelievably that men might pass out from excitement. On the other hand, some of them could be so wrinkled and nasty that you'd pass out in fear that she might want to give you a free lap dance. I'm betting that Ms. Nantz is not the latter since she was invited to the home of her customer for a private show.

Six Flags

I really feel that I owe much of my amusement park enjoyment to Hamel's Park. If you're not from Northeast Louisiana, you might not have ever heard of Hamel's Park, but if you grew up in Shreveport during the 80's, you almost certainly spent countless hours there. Hamel's Park was one of the only amusement parks in Louisiana for a long time, and was the place where that fueled my hunger for bigger, faster, twistier roller coasters.

The coaster at Hamel's was relatively tame. There wasn't even a train, it was a single car that seated four and went through a simple series of hills and turns over the course of a few seconds, but since it was the only game in town, we rode it over and over and over again. By the about the fourth ride, I was ready for something more. That's where Six Flags over Texas came into my life.

Once I started going to Six Flags on a fairly regular basis, I was already addicted to thrill rides, and most of theirs put the old roller coaster at Hamel's Park to shame. I rode them all. I loved them all.

Now my kids are old enough to ride the big roller coasters. At least Reagan and Abbie are big enough anyway, and they both wanted to go to Six Flags for their birthday. Since their birthdays are so close together, we just decided to go ahead and take them out to Six Flags this past Saturday, and they were completely pumped about getting on the big coasters.

My idea was to start them out small and get them ready for the really big rides, but the kids had a different idea. I managed to get them to start with the bobsled ride; a pretty worthless ride to wait in line for if you ask me, but easy for everyone (including Emma) to enjoy. After that, Reagan and Abbie declared that they were ready for more. They wanted to go straight to the Batman coaster.

The Batman coaster is my personal favorite out there. I love the fact that you hang below the track and that it inverts you five times. It's just a great ride. I was thinking that instead of the kids going there first, we should start them with the Runaway Mine Train or Judge Roy Scream. They're not really experienced coaster riders, and Batman seemed like jumping in the deep end before you learned to swim.

The kids wouldn't hear any of it, though. If only they had a chance to ride that coaster at Hamel's, then maybe they would be a little more prepared for what was coming. We stood in line to ride in the very first car. Nothing in front of us but open air. It was great for me, and the kids were both very excited. At least they were right up to the point where we got to the top of the hill. As the train started down through the course, they both went white as a sheet and the tears and screams started pouring out like they'd never cried before in their lives.

They wouldn't even talk when we got done. I really think that they thought we were going to die. All they wanted to do was go sit in a quiet corner and mumble to themselves. They certainly didn't ever want to get on another roller coaster.

Later in the day, the shock of Batman had worn off, and as memories often do they forgot the trauma and remembered it having been not so bad. They believed that they were ready for another coaster. Again, I thought of good ones for them to try, but they didn't want to listen to me. They were ready for Titan. One of the tallest in the world, Titan is a load of fun.

It's the longest coaster ride at Six Flags and probably the fastest at 85 mph. As a matter of fact, shortly after it was built, they had to change some of the braking in the middle of the ride because passengers were literally passing out from the speed and G force (up to 4.5 Gs). After what I saw on Batman, I was not so sure that the kids were ready for this, but they were. So we stood in line for Titan and got all the way up to the point of boarding the train when Reagan decided that she wasn't up to the challenge. Abbie, on the other hand, sat down, strapped in, and was ready to go.

At least she was ready to go until we got about halfway up that hill. Then she started thinking that this might not have been such a good idea after all. She screamed until she couldn't scream any more and then was reduced to tears, heaving, and talking to herself. It was not good, and she was firm in her conviction that she would never get on another roller coaster again. Ever. All she wanted to do was suck her thumb and hold a blankie.

Reagan, not having been through the experience, wanted to try the Judge Roy Scream. It was enjoyable, and Reagan had a lot of fun on the ride. So much so that she was able to convince Abbie to ride the Runaway Mine Train. It was already after dark by this point, and Abbie was only agreeing to this because there was no upside down and no big hills. She did pretty well on it; I think helped by the fact that she finally sat beside me on the ride and I could tell her what was about to happen. But once we got to then end, the one little hill on the ride, followed by a trip through the tunnel (which was pitch black since it was dark out), she was once again in tears.

I really hope that my kids are not permanently scarred from riding the big roller coasters because I love to ride them, and I want to enjoy that with my children for years to come. Honestly, though, Abbie may not ever even want to drive by an amusement park again. No, really, she did great, and I did tell her repeatedly how proud I was that she at least tried them out, and I reminded her repeatedly that they're never as bad the second time around.

After all of that, the park was preparing to close, but they were also getting ready for the Coobrila (Cooler, Brighter, Later) circus show. Of course, we had to hang around to see that, and I will admit that it was definitely cool. The many different acrobats that performed were really amazing, although, I did have to wonder what kind of kinky stuff inspired some of the acts when I saw men flipping other men upside down and lifting them up to their faces. And I'll never understand the practical use for being able to balance yourself on one hand on the top of a big bald guy's head. I guess that ranks up there with the guys that pull trains with their teeth. Who knows what inspired them, it's just cool to see.

All in all, it was a great day at the amusement park and nearly everyone fell asleep on the way home. After all, it was nearly midnight when we finally got back to the van.