Scariest Environment Imaginable

How many of you have ever seen the movie Armageddon? If you have, then you might remember the scene where Oscar (Owen Wilson) asks what it's going to be like when they land on the asteroid. Truman (Billy Bob Thornton) responds with a lengthy explanation of temperature swings and landscape features which Oscar then summarizes into, "Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable." That's about how I feel about Zimbabwe right now.

I stumbled across a site with news from Zimbabwe (following a link from another story), and this site just has to be the equivalent of a US rag mag. It can't really be serious. At least, I surely hope that it's not for real. Check out some of these stories, and I'll even start you in the same place as I:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4249949.stm - Given that this one is on the BBC, I'm betting that it's actually real. Read the story and you'll see that it's about a man that might be a woman. Or maybe that's the other way around. Regardless anyone with a penis, a vagina, and name like Sithole certainly has all their bases covered. Reportedly, Ms. Sithole (or is it Mr.?) used the services of a traditional healer to make the penis disappear. "Hmmm….how do you make the penis disappear? I know, I'll wave some branches around, crush some insects, spread some goo on things, and then hide it in this conveniently placed and just the right size orifice. And if they ask for my help again, I'll just tell 'em to go screw themselves." Reportedly, the process worked for a while but the penis returned when the traditional healer wasn't paid. I'm not sure I believe that, though. The end of the article says that a fellow female athlete (believing Ms. Sithole to be female) disrobed in front of Ms. Sithole. I'm betting the penis "mysteriously" reappeared shortly after that.

http://www.newzimbabwe.com/pages/incest11.11624.html - Following links on the story above, I came across this story related to witchcraft in Zimbabwe. Now as odd as stones raining down on someone's house might sound, I think that it pales in comparison to this one line buried in the middle of the text. "The family's late father, Caseman Chigova made news in the 1990s for sleeping in a coffin, which he bought to 'get a feel for his future home.'" If I lived next door to someone that crazy, I might want stones to rain down on their house, too. He's just one step away from mowing down all of his friends and family to "make sure I'm not lonely in my future home."

http://www.newzimbabwe.com/pages/satanists2.11436.html - Finally, I also ran across this story of a traditional healer in Zimbabwe who was burned by goblins. Apparently, the healer has been removing goblins from people's homes and after a short wrestling match with one of the critters was burned in the fireplace. The article was unclear as to whether anyone else could see the goblins or not.

Given that you can't necessarily tell the difference between men and women, you might get rained on by stones or shot by people with coffin fetishes, and there are crazy pyromaniac goblins on the loose, I'm recommending that you not plan any family vacations to Zimbabwe in the near future. At least not until the elves move back, the ring of power is destroyed, and peace and harmony are brought back to the land. No, wait, that story was definitely fiction. I guess the truth really is stranger.