Can I Ride Your Bike?

I'm sure that you can remember at least one time that you stayed at your friend's house too late without a bike when you were a kid. It started to get dark and you didn't want to be late getting home, so you asked, "Can I just ride your bike?" Sometimes, your friend might say yes, but if it was a particularly cool bike they probably just offered to pump you. If you're not familiar with the term it just means that they'll give you a ride on their bike. Typically the passenger (the pumpee) would sit on the handlebars and try to yell directions to the driver (the pumper) who couldn't see anything because your big head was in the way. Sometimes things would go really wrong like the pumpee's foot would get caught in the spokes and a twisted mangled mass of flesh, blood, and metal would crumple to the ground, but generally it was safe.

Honestly, I still don't understand exactly how this is possible, but now I understand that riding bikes and getting pumped on a bike doesn't necessarily mean what you and I think it means. Has anyone else seen this story?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml

Despite the title, the man in question was not having sex in the courtroom. He was in his own room at a local hostel when workers found him having sex with a bicycle. Hmmm…

My first thought is that it sounds painful. I can't imagine any part of a bicycle that would be any fun in a sexual context. Not any at all. The good news for the perp, though, is that if he goes to prison, his cot will be almost exclusively metal tubing and he'll have a tin cup to eat out of both of which will apparently keep him entertained for the duration of his sentence. He might not ever want to leave. His cellmate, on the other hand, won't ever look at anything metal the same way again.

But what ever possessed the man to try this strange act of self gratification. Did he hear that the bike was an easy ride? And is it really his fault if the bike taunted him with its tight seat and stiff spokes?

At least the neighbors can sleep safe at night since the guy's name will be on the sex offenders list. I can just imagine the mom's now. "Sure, you can trick-or-treat at the neighbor's house, just don't ride your bike. You never know what strangers might want to do with a cute little bike like yours." Or "Have you heard about the sex offender down the street? My kids told me that he tried to get them to look at bicycle frames with him. Thank goodness they didn't ride down there, or they'd probably have been walking home."

Most disturbing of all, though, is the last sentence of this article which tells us that this man is not alone. Apparently, someone else has been convicted in recent history of sex with pavement. Ouch! Exactly how much KY does it take for that to feel good? At least a bike is already greased.