Chill Out

Don't you ever sit around and think about what you would do if you were in charge? Many times, when I see something that I don't like, I just put on the list of things to do when I'm President for a day. Since I'm a pretty hard worker, fairly intelligent, and really looking to solve problems rather than worry with getting re-elected, I'm pretty sure I could fix a ton of stuff in twenty-four hours. For example, all of those guys on death row that we haven't gotten to yet: we'll invite them over to sit on the electric couch. No more one at a time, I'm putting in an express lane. The thing I'm really most interested in correcting, though, is global warming.

Apparently everything is caused by global warming. I thought my socks turned pink because I put them in the wash with one of Leah's red shirts, but after listening to Al Gore, I'm convinced that it's really because of greenhouse gases running amok in the atmosphere. I used to be skeptical, along with many scientists, but looking back on just the last thirty days I've realized that something is definitely amiss. The average high temperature in DFW for the month of June is 91.1 degrees Fahrenheit. The average high for June, 2007 was 90.0 degrees Fahrenheit. If that's not an argument to support global warming, then I don't know how I can convince you of the coming calamity.

Sure, you'll just look at the surface of those numbers and say that it can't be global warming because it was cooler this year than average, but I can see deeper. You see, the problem is that global warming is a worldwide phenomenon, so as areas that are normally frozen (like the polar ice caps) are warmed that sucks the heat out of areas that are normally sun-baked. If that doesn't sound quite right to you, just trust me, I'm sure that it makes perfect logical sense. Since we all agree now that there is an issue, we've got to figure out how to solve it.

Politicians have a problem getting to a solution because they are constantly worried about getting re-elected. They've got to make people happy, and issues like this can't be resolved without enraging a portion of the populace. For instance, higher gasoline prices could help the situation since it seems obvious that the more we drive, the more we pollute, and the more we pollute, the cooler it's going to get in DFW…err…I mean the warmer the globe is going to be. Anyway, the Democrats in control of Congress have a real moral dilemma here, though, they need the gas prices to be high to help stave off a global crisis, but if they keep the gas prices high then they are helping put money in the pockets of big oil and that looks bad to their constituency. On the other hand, their constituency is supposed to be the poor and downtrodden who can't afford to pay higher prices for gas and without gas can't go to work and without work can't eat and without food won't live long enough to vote in the next election. So do they support high gas prices, help big oil get richer, and save the world? Or do they try to bring gas prices down and keep their jobs?

We'll probably find out the real answer to that question as the election season heats up. In the meantime, consider my thoughts on the subject. According to the latest automotive ads that I've seen, hybrid cars are better for the environment because they get better gas mileage. Now, my truck is certainly not the highest gas mileage vehicle out there, but it does have a measurable difference in performance on the highway as opposed to in stop and go traffic. Given that, it seem obvious to me that my truck was designed to be environmentally friendly when it's free to just go rather than having to continually stop and start. The obvious end to this line of thought, then, is that it's not my truck that's the problem. It's the red lights, pedestrians, and bikers. If we could ban pedestrians and bicyclists, we could dramatically improve the fuel efficiency of almost every car on the road and really start making progress toward a better tomorrow. So, right after I implement the electric couch, I'm going to make sidewalks and bike lanes illegal. It's for the good of the world!