Bad Movies

I've seen a string of bad movies here lately, and I need something good to pull me out of the slump. Years ago, I watched what I believed to be the worst possible movie ever put on film. I was so certain that nothing could ever be any worse, that I compared all other bad movies to it in terms of how close to the level of terrible any other film came. Basically, movies at that time in life were on a continuum. On the far bad end was The Royal Tenenbaums and on the other were good movies like Aliens, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, etc. Everything else was just a question of how much better was it than The Royal Tenenbaums.

The title of worst movie is in question now, though. First, it was The Prestige that threatened the core of my continuum. Normally, I enjoy Chris Nolan movies, so I expected much from The Prestige. My expectations should have been set a little lower. Okay, a lot lower. Alright, I should have counted on spending the first ten minutes figuring it out and the last couple of hours napping.

I didn't really figure it out that fast, but I did figure it out early. From that point on the movie was pretty much a beating, but it didn't really qualify as bad enough to dethrone Tenenbaums. You see, I could actually watch Prestige again if I had to save one of my children. Tenenbaums on the other hand, well, let's just say it's a good thing I've got four kids.

It got worse, though. Next, I watched The Pursuit of Happyness. If you can't tell from the movies I listed above as being great, I'm not all that into heavy drama, but it was better than doing nothing on a four hour flight. I really had an optimistic outlook on the film going into it, too. I thought it was going to be about some down and out guy from the bad side of town that finally got a chance to make something of himself and came out on top. Kind of like Rocky without the blood.

Here's what I got: a man so concerned with making a buck that he wasted his life savings on a get rich quick scheme which put his family in jeopardy and rather than stepping up and working to fix the situation he looked for another get rich quick scheme. He was so selfish that he even forced his wife to leave his son behind when she left to get a better job with the full knowledge that he didn't have a way to take care of him. In my mind, the main character was in a bad place because he made a bad decision and he was too greedy to do what was required to get himself back out of it. How's that supposed to be inspirational? The only lesson I saw in that whole film is that if you're greedy enough and get to be friends with other people that are greedy enough you can run your wife out of town and have all the money to yourself.

Still, though, it didn't beat Tenenbaums. For that we had to get to the absolute worst beating of a movie that I've ever seen. This movie seemed to have promise based on the trailer. It seemed to be right up my alley based on the main actor. It seemed to have it all. But by the time I got done watching it, I felt like I had just been a couple of rounds with an interrogator at Gitmo. I had no sense of time. I would have sworn I had been in front of the TV for at least five hours instead of three. It was so bad, that I'm not sure I could chance watching another movie for at least a week. Just in case the trailer for this one pops up announced somewhere.

I'm talking about The Good Shepherd. Normally, Matt Damon does some good work. Not counting Good Will Hunting, he's a decent actor with a solid filmography. I think he had a total of ten lines to learn for this movie. He never talked and he hardly ever changed his facial expression. Not only does the movie go for a good thirty minutes telling you the end of the story before it goes back in time to tell you the beginning before it jumps forward halfway to the end and then back halfway to the beginning again and so on until at one point I swear the cut in a scene that happens after the movie just to see if you were paying attention. Not only that, but it doesn't make a lick of sense for most the time and at least I couldn't care less about any of the characters.

I never could figure out if there was a plot buried in there somewhere. The movie just seemed to randomly jump from one scene to another until finally the main character burns a thirty year old piece of paper and they roll the credits. At least in Tenenbaums there was a plot. Royal was coming home to his family before he died. This one doesn't even have that. Please, please, please, don't waste your time on this piece of junk.

Instead, tell me what horrible movies you've seen lately so I can avoid them, too.