What Would You Do?

A coworker of mine just told me about a situation at home that needed attending. I won’t name anyone here by name because other coworkers may be reading, but I will tell you that the irony of the situation is that at end of this day my coworker will want nothing more than a nice, stiff drink and there won’t be anything to slake the thirst. Let’s see if I can reimagine the dialog that led up this situation:

Coworkers Son (CS): Yo, buddy! How’s it hangin’? You kickin’ it real? Rollin’ it tight in da hood?

[Don’t imagine ethnicity here, you’d probably be wrong. I’m just trying to emulate “cool lingo”]

Son’s Friend (SF): Yeah. That’s right.

CS: Know what, man? I got this crazy teach in second period that’s always blabbing stuff about wars, dead people, and the old days.

SF: Yeah, dog. I got the same chick for third period. I can’t hardly handle sitting in that class.

CS: You know what I need? I just need something to take the edge off; to help me get through the day.

SF: I tell ya, man. You right. Ever since I got into ninth grade I’ve started hitting the vodka and Red Bull pretty hard. You got any of that around here?

CS: Vodka and Red Bull? That’s so seventh grade. You need the real stuff. Let me get you a C&C.

SF: Yo! If my mom found out, she’d kill me. Can you get me one now?

CS: Now? The bus is on the way.

SF: It’s cool man. I can drink it fast.

CS: Alright, but I hate for you to drink alone. I’ll pour myself one, too.

[Drinks are poured and chugged]

SF: Dude! That was awesome! Get me another. We got time.

CS: Yeah! Now I can’t figure out why my parents won’t let me drink this stuff all the time. (hiccup)

[More drinks are poured and chugged]

SF: You know what? You know what? You know what? We ought to just skip school today.

CS: Nah. I gggot that test in aaaalgebbbbra….haha, I said bbbra, and I cccan’t mmmmissss it. (hiccup)

SF: You can’t take a test now. You can’t take a test now. Did you just hear an echo? (BRAAAAP)

CS: SSSSurre I ccccan! I ccccould cccconquer the wwwworld tttoday! Gggget me another ddddrink!

SF: Listen to me. Listen to me. If you’re going to school we’ll have to leave now. You can’t have. You can’t have. You can’t have another drink.

CS: Ssssure I ccccan. Ppppput it in your bbbbbbackpack and I’ll hhhhhave it on the bbbbbbus. (BURP!)

SF: Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Kids leave with liquor and stagger to bus stop and after having a few more drinks arrive at school]

Principal (P): Good morning boys. How are you feeling today?

CS: Gggreat! And by the wwway, I must say that you are looking scorching hot today. Wanna make out?

SF: Yeah, baby! Let’s get it on!

P: Boys! Is everything okay? You seem to be a little woozy.

CS: Naw! It’s all ccccool. Never felt bbbbbetter. Gotta run, sssssexy! I’ll be back after this ccccclass.

SF: I’ll keep you company. I’ll keep you company, baby.

P: Boys, I think we need to call your parents. Come with me.

CS: What’s up wwwwith that? I gggggotta go to ccccclass?

SF: That’s right. That’s right.

P: Well, your class is not in the ladies rest room, and no one’s called me hot or sexy for a couple of decades, so something is definitely not right. Get in my office and wait for your parents.

Sure, I’m making up the dialog, but they really hit the liquor cabinet before school, and they took the liquor with them to school. Unbelievable! As it turns out, the school doesn’t take kindly to kids arriving intoxicated, and they are even less accepting of kids toting hard liquor, so the boys were sent home for a few days to “sleep it off” (aka suspended). I’m just glad that they aren’t old enough to drive or this story could have been really ugly rather than somewhat humorous.