Billy Goats

Having been related to many law enforcement officers, I have been entertained by the antics of criminals and spellbound by the first hand tales of their capture. Today, though, I have heard it all:

http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/mpapps/pagetools/print/news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7846822.stm?ad=1

On a warm, humid night somewhere in Nigeria, two detectives were on stakeout. The recent rash of car robberies in this Kwara State community has been more than they can handle. After investigating the crime scenes and a few of the recovered vehicles, no one can explain how the criminal has been able to pull off the grabs without leaving footprints, fingerprints, or even a single hair. The last crime scene was the most puzzling of all. The nefarious agent of these unrelenting schemes seemed to have lost his edge as the crime scene unit recovered enough hair to make a coat and found odd pockmarks in the dirt all around the location of the stolen car.

Now, the detectives wait sipping their water bottles and hoping for a break in the case.

"Baaaa!"

"Hey, did you hear that?" asked the lead detective. "I thought I just heard a goat."

"Nah, you must be losing it. There are no goats around here. We're in a parking lot," replied his partner.

….

"Baaaa!"

"I'm telling you. I just heard a goat. Get out the binoculars and check on our bait car," ordered the lead detective.

Mumbling under his breath, the rookie pulled out his field glasses and took a look silently cursing the Americans for having night vision glasses. "I can't see anything through these things. It's night time."

"Listen, dummy, that's why we parked the bait car under a street light."

"I know, but this is Nigeria and we can't afford the electricity to keep the light on."

"You got me there. I'm going to investigate. You call for backup," and with that the lead detective stealthily glided across the parking lot to the bait car.

"Baaaa!"

Little did he know that he was about to meet the most unusual of all perpetrators. Thankfully, this detective had spent his youth herding sheep in the hills to the west, and was able to quickly react to the blur of hooves, horns, and hair that bolted from the shadows. Deftly, he wrestled the renegade, adolescent (what age would you think a joy riding, car stealing kid would be?) goat to the ground and hoof cuffed him.

"I got him!! I got him!! Get over here and help me," he called to his partner.

"What the….????"

"Listen, rookie, I know you've not been on the beat for very long, but this a highly skilled thief right here. Just think of all the times he got away. He must have some kind of shape shifting ability," the lead detective reasoned, and upon further thought, he added, "we better get him in the car before he shape shifts his way out of these cuffs."

"Umm…okay. The Americans didn't really cover this in their training session last month. How do you want me to write this in my report?"

"Well, obviously, he has horns that he intended to harm me with. This is assault with a deadly weapon and armed robbery." And then the lead turned the suspect, "you, my little friend, are going away for a long time."

"Baaaa!" The goat just realized how much his new friends at the pen were going to enjoy having him around. He had hoped that part of his life was over when he escaped from Hillbilly Bob's barn.

Now, some people say that this is an example of the problems with the Nigerian police force, but I think we all now realize that this is really an example of how closed-minded the rest of the world can be. How many unsolved crimes are there in the world that could be cleared from the books if we thought outside the box like these detectives?

Unfortunately, there is one issue with this sort of justice. Here in the States, most suspects would jump at the chance to have a nice meal on the way to the holding cell, but if the suspect just happened to be Farmer Johnson's hog that might not work out so well. We call it BBQ, the pigs call it a lynch mob. Semantics.

In other news, apparently the rash of car thefts has been resumed by a copycat criminal.