Breathalyzer

As many of you know, my wife – Leah – has been experiencing some very disturbing abdominal pain for a little over a month now. It all started while she was at CPC (Children's Pastors Confernce) in San Diego at the beginning of February. Near the end of the conference week, she woke with discomfort in her abdomen, and at that point she dismissed it as the result of sleeping wrong. By the end of the weekend, however, she was doubled over in pain and basically unable to eat anything without making the situation even worse. As a result, we decided to seek medical attention.

First thing Monday morning, Leah went to the local Care Now to be seen. The doctors there ran several tests, took some X-rays, and finally determined that it was likely one of three things: a gall stone, a kidney stone, or appendicitis. Because the Care Now does not have the equipment to check for any of these conditions and because Leah was running a low fever at the time, they recommended that she go to the ER immediately.

I met Leah at the ER a little before lunch, took Sydney to get something to eat, transferred Sydney to Dad (who had agreed to watch her and the rest of the girls until Leah and I were done), and went back to the hospital. Of course, I got back just as they were taking her to a room. A troop of nurses came in relatively soon and took some more samples for testing (why can't they just get results from Care Now?) and set Leah up for an IV. Just after all of that, though, is when it really got fun.

Junior Doctor Sally Sue (not her real name and she was actually a PA) came in looking like she was skipping out on seventh period to be there with us, and told us she would handling the case. As an aside, why can't we see real doctors in America anymore? And do you really think that our current President will make the situation better? As I was saying, though, Junior Doc came in and started poking and prodding all over Leah's abdomen. After a round of high intensity pain reactions from Leah, she determined that it was probably one of three things: gall stone, kidney stone, or appendicitis. Duh. Already knew that.

She told us that someone would be in shortly to collect samples for testing, they would get her setup for an IV, and then she would need to drink a contrast dye for the scan so that they could see each of those items. Two of three were already done, so this shouldn't take much longer….

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Four and a half hours later, a guy from imaging came in and told Leah it was time to go take a picture of her abdomen. Hang on a sec. She was supposed to have a contrast dye, I thought. He just looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said that the doctor must have made a mistake. And off they went.

The doctor made a mistake? Really? That's the best answer I can get? I had them send Junior Doctor back in to find out what was going on. A few minutes later (Wow! That was fast for a hospital) she and Leah were back in the room, and she informed me that the couldn't look for both a stone and appendicitis at the same time because one only shows with contrast dye and the other only shows without. They (I presume "they" means she and an actual doctor) had decided to look for the stone first since they could do that without dye.

Of course, by this time, I was getting concerned about the girls and homework and dinner, and I knew that it would be forever before we would have any results, so I asked what kind of window I had to work with. Junior Doc told me an hour. I was like, "In an hour you'll have the results and an hour after that you'll come tell us? Or like in ten minutes you'll have the results and in an hour you'll tell us?" She just gave me the evil eye and said she'd be back as soon as she could.

Unbelievably, she was back in about 10 minutes with the results. And by some miracle of modern technology they were able to see that her appendix, gall bladder, and kidneys were all fine. Okay, so if all three possibilities are eliminated, then what's going on? Junior Doc said it was bound to be a UTI gone awry and prescribed some antibiotics.

That didn't really make much sense to either Leah or I, and as Leah's pain continued even with treatment, we decided to try some different things. I called a friend of mine in family practice, and Leah spoke with an OB friend of hers. Both suggested that see someone else.

So, Leah went next to her OB. The OB should have the best handle of all on women's abdomens, so it seemed to make sense. Unfortunately, she came up empty, too. After every test they could think of, they confirmed that it was not stones and not appendicitis, but they had no idea what was going on. The OB suggested that it might have been some kind of infection in her intestines and that it could clear up on its own in a few days. If not, though, then she suggested that Leah go see a gastro doctor.

Of course, it did not get any better on its own, and Leah ended up at the Gastro doctor a little over a week ago. At first, he thought it was likely an infected gall bladder and he started running tests down that road. Those tests turned up negative. Next step, endoscopy. Maybe there was something going on in her stomach that was causing the issues.

Last week, the did the endoscopy, took some biopsies, and basically told us to wait for results. They said that she had a rash on the inside of her stomach but the results of the biopsies would tell us more about why and how to treat it.

Just yesterday, we got those results. Apparently, Leah has a bacterial infection in her stomach and that has caused the rash. They say that this kind of infection is not uncommon, but that it is uncommon for it to present with the symptoms that Leah has. They said that more often it leads to complications like ulcers or even stomach cancer before it is identified. Thank goodness it didn't get that bad. Here's the best part, though, they told Leah that when she goes back in a few weeks, they will do a blood test to see if it is cleared up.

What?

I asked Leah, "If they can do a blood test to see if it's gone, then why couldn't they do a blood test to see if it was there?"

She agreed that was a good question, and called back to clarify. Apparently, what they actually said was that they will do a breath test to see if it is cleared up.

Again…what?

"So, if they can do a breath test to see if it's clear, then can't they do one to see if you have it?" I asked.

Leah had not clarified that as she was at the pharmacy and the pharmacist had just guessed her diagnosis based on the prescription and said, "Did they just do that simple breath test to identify this?"

Well, if you're meaning the, Let's See If You Can Breathe While We Shove a Garden Hose Down Your Throat Test, then yeah, that's what they did.

So, just to be clear, what we learned here is that if Leah had been pulled over for DWI, we might have had to pay a few hundred bucks to bail her out, but we would have had a diagnosis much faster than spending weeks and many thousands of dollars to get to the result.

In all seriousness, I'm glad that we finally have an answer. Leah is on the correct antibiotics now, and she is feeling much better. Thanks for all your calls and prayers. And I hope this never happens to you.

The Program

As a former elementary school student, father of four, and an active Children's Ministry volunteer (I use the term "volunteer" loosely), I have been to and participated in my fair share of school programs. I think it's fairly safe to say that when any of us hear that our child will be in a school program, we all envision the same thing:

Small, cramped seating in a room designed for midgets along with a hundred other parents that would rather be home watching re-runs of CSI while little Johnny and Sally Sue stand on some risers built circa 1957 and belt some song that feels like a familiar tune but now has completely unintelligible lyrics. If you're lucky enough to have a hi-tech elementary school, you might even get the benefit of seeing one of the kids speak into a microphone announcing the next song or welcoming you to the event by saying something like, "Mmmmrrrrsssf…..pppt….SCREEEECCCH….jajkllllmmmm….ppt…SCREEEECH…pppt…..mmmarmmmssh." Your youngest kids might even say, "That sounded just like the teacher from Charlie Brown, Mom."

So, when Emma came home a few weeks ago and asked if I was coming to her program, I was relatively sure what to expect. "Of course, I'm going," I told her, "I can't wait to hear you sing." She looked at me like I was crazy.

"Sing? Dad I don't think we're singing," she told me. She had no idea what kind of program it was going to be, but she was certain that there would be no singing. As much as I tried to understand, I just couldn't wrap my brain around the concept. I asked if it was a play, if it was a dance, if it was a hundred different things that might have made sense, but she kept telling me that it was just a program. Finally, I decided that Emma was confused. After all, I knew that Dr. Green, the music teacher, was involved, so obviously they would be singing.

Last night was finally the night. Emma was so excited. She told us all about just the right clothes she had to wear, where she needed to be, and every five minutes she reminded us what time she had to be there. Confident of what we were going to see, I was slightly confused by the fact that we were going to the high school gym rather than the elementary school, but I didn't let that bother me much. The gym is just across the street. Maybe the PTA finally decided we needed a little more space to spread out.

After a brief PTA meeting (they can only rope us into going by getting the kids hyped up about doing a program, apparently), the kids came out to the gym floor. They all lined up nice and neat and looked to their teacher for instruction. Wait a second. They weren't looking to Dr. Green. "Who's that lady?" I asked Leah, "The one that keeps blowing the whistle."

"That would be the gym teacher," she replied. Total confusion set in. What was the gym teacher doing at a music program? And why were the kids all grabbing hula hoops?

Well, Emma was right about a lot of things. They didn't sing. Stevie Wonder and Lee Greenwood sang thanks to the CD player (the first time I ever understood the words to a song at an elementary school program), but the kids didn't sing at all. They also didn't dance. But they did do hula hoops, play with a giant parachute, wave around some paper plates (and bang their friends in the head sometimes), twirl streamers, and do jumping jacks. Well, only the second graders got to do jumping jacks; I think they might be too dangerous for first graders, but Emma is really looking forward to next year when she can do jumping jacks, too.

I was completely flabbergasted and far more entertained than ever at an elementary school program. I was riveted as I tried to figure out whether they were going to break into stretches or dodgeball on the next song. Personally, I think it was brilliant. It may have been the first P.E. program ever done, but this could really catch on.

Billy Goats

Having been related to many law enforcement officers, I have been entertained by the antics of criminals and spellbound by the first hand tales of their capture. Today, though, I have heard it all:

http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/mpapps/pagetools/print/news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7846822.stm?ad=1

On a warm, humid night somewhere in Nigeria, two detectives were on stakeout. The recent rash of car robberies in this Kwara State community has been more than they can handle. After investigating the crime scenes and a few of the recovered vehicles, no one can explain how the criminal has been able to pull off the grabs without leaving footprints, fingerprints, or even a single hair. The last crime scene was the most puzzling of all. The nefarious agent of these unrelenting schemes seemed to have lost his edge as the crime scene unit recovered enough hair to make a coat and found odd pockmarks in the dirt all around the location of the stolen car.

Now, the detectives wait sipping their water bottles and hoping for a break in the case.

"Baaaa!"

"Hey, did you hear that?" asked the lead detective. "I thought I just heard a goat."

"Nah, you must be losing it. There are no goats around here. We're in a parking lot," replied his partner.

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"Baaaa!"

"I'm telling you. I just heard a goat. Get out the binoculars and check on our bait car," ordered the lead detective.

Mumbling under his breath, the rookie pulled out his field glasses and took a look silently cursing the Americans for having night vision glasses. "I can't see anything through these things. It's night time."

"Listen, dummy, that's why we parked the bait car under a street light."

"I know, but this is Nigeria and we can't afford the electricity to keep the light on."

"You got me there. I'm going to investigate. You call for backup," and with that the lead detective stealthily glided across the parking lot to the bait car.

"Baaaa!"

Little did he know that he was about to meet the most unusual of all perpetrators. Thankfully, this detective had spent his youth herding sheep in the hills to the west, and was able to quickly react to the blur of hooves, horns, and hair that bolted from the shadows. Deftly, he wrestled the renegade, adolescent (what age would you think a joy riding, car stealing kid would be?) goat to the ground and hoof cuffed him.

"I got him!! I got him!! Get over here and help me," he called to his partner.

"What the….????"

"Listen, rookie, I know you've not been on the beat for very long, but this a highly skilled thief right here. Just think of all the times he got away. He must have some kind of shape shifting ability," the lead detective reasoned, and upon further thought, he added, "we better get him in the car before he shape shifts his way out of these cuffs."

"Umm…okay. The Americans didn't really cover this in their training session last month. How do you want me to write this in my report?"

"Well, obviously, he has horns that he intended to harm me with. This is assault with a deadly weapon and armed robbery." And then the lead turned the suspect, "you, my little friend, are going away for a long time."

"Baaaa!" The goat just realized how much his new friends at the pen were going to enjoy having him around. He had hoped that part of his life was over when he escaped from Hillbilly Bob's barn.

Now, some people say that this is an example of the problems with the Nigerian police force, but I think we all now realize that this is really an example of how closed-minded the rest of the world can be. How many unsolved crimes are there in the world that could be cleared from the books if we thought outside the box like these detectives?

Unfortunately, there is one issue with this sort of justice. Here in the States, most suspects would jump at the chance to have a nice meal on the way to the holding cell, but if the suspect just happened to be Farmer Johnson's hog that might not work out so well. We call it BBQ, the pigs call it a lynch mob. Semantics.

In other news, apparently the rash of car thefts has been resumed by a copycat criminal.