How to Pass the Time

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to pull off a robbery? Would it be glamorous and sexy like The Thomas Crown Affair? Would it be slapstick funny like Fun with Dick and Jane? Or would it be well planned but ultimately foiled by the police like Heat? Or would it be the one moment in your life that labeled you as a moron in front of the rest of the world?

So, how's this for a plan?

I'm really in need of cash, so I'm going to knock over the local convenience store. They always have cash (just not any bills larger than $20). Of course, I'll have to pack some heat. They won't just give me the cash if I'm being polite. But since I'm not a hardened criminal (nor a criminal mastermind), I want to be sure that I don't actually hurt anybody.

Handguns can fire accidentally, so I'm planning to just pack a knife. The only problem remaining is that the convenience store is always busy. I'll need a reason to hang around until there is a break in the flow of customers. There are only so many times that I can check the label on a bag of Funyuns before I look suspicious, so I'll need a cover. How ironic would it be if I just wasted time filling out an application to work for the store and earn money from them legitimately?

Now, I'm not a complete idiot. I'll have to actually write stuff on the application so they don't catch on to my scheme, but I'll use a fake phone number and address. Well, maybe not completely fake because that would take more imagination than I've got. I'll use my uncle's phone number. Besides they might like what they see and want to offer me a job.

Thinking of that, how would I know they were calling for me? I guess I'll go ahead and put my name on the app, too. There's bound to be a million Michael Newmans in the world, they'll never know it was really me. I mean, think about it, my dad and I have the same name. That'll throw the police off right there.

Okay, so that's not really my plan, but it is a plan. A plan for how to provide the most assistance to law enforcement while simultaneously committing a felony, and it's true.

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/15815839/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=weird-news

Really…why would I ever need to make up anything to write about when the world is still full of people?