You Gonna Be Much Longer?

We've all been there. You go to Taco Bell late at night because you're desperate for something to put in your stomach, you order the bean burrito because $0.39 is all you scrape from the crack in the backseat of the car, and then find yourself the next morning wishing for a copy of the entire Harry Potter series and some handrails while your spouse is in the other room telling you it's time to go. "You gonna be much longer?" you hear someone cry from the living room just before one of the kids enters the master bedroom in search of you and passes out from the fumes. "Honey, I think junior cracked his skull on the tile when he lost consciousness," but your spouse is not about to put their life in danger by coming anywhere near you. Junior will just have wait.

Have any of us ever been there so long that we actually had to shave again when we came out? That we really finished an entire novel while sitting on the throne? That we literally grew to the seat and couldn't get back up? I sure hope not, but apparently it happened to this woman in Kansas.

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/15578028/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=weird-news

If you don't want to read the entire story, the highlight is that a woman sat on the toilet for 2 years (that's not a typo), her skin grew to the seat, and her boyfriend only just realized that something
was wrong. You think?

This story just begs so many questions. The most obvious being why didn't the boyfriend think to call for help sooner? It says that he brought her food and water every day and asked her to come out of the bathroom. What was he serving her? Cream corn burritos and sugar water? Maybe he just figured that it was more convenient for her to stay there.

According the boyfriend she didn't want to leave the bathroom. So does that say more about him or her? How bad does your boyfriend have to be for the toilet to seem like a better option?

The police, it says, found her sitting on the toilet with her pants down. Well, thank goodness they included that detail. If she'd been sitting there all this time peeing in her shorts, well, that would just be weird. The good thing is, she didn't have to worry about having an accident, but I also wonder how someone wipes when their skin has grown to the seat and their legs have atrophied. Bet that never occurred to you, and yes, you're welcome for the visual.

Of course, there are the more mundane things in life that we have to wonder, too. Was she wearing the same clothes for two years? Did she bathe? The bathtub is right there. She could just splash some water on herself and flush the suds down the toilet. But what about shaving? All of those tiny shaved hairs on the floor. What a pain. I'm betting she came out there with more hair than me and an odor that had nothing to do with the toilet.

And you have to wonder, too. How do you sleep sitting on a toilet? Did she just rest her head on the toilet paper roll? Can you imagine one morning about 3 months into the deal she starts getting an attitude with her boyfriend because her pillow is too lumpy. "I told you to buy Charmin! This crap scratches my face." And he replies, "Careful, woman, or I'll put extra beans in your chili and that toilet paper will hurt more than just your face."

I just hope after all this that we don't find out it was a one bathroom home. Nobody wants to imagine how that would have worked.