Where’s the Oil?

When I was a kid, there was a commercial on television that showed some guys in a lab running engines that allegedly had no oil in them. The point of the commercial was probably something about how one engine was better than another because it could run with no oil, but I don't recall those irrelevant details. The important thing is that they were allegedly running without oil.

My wife's van is putting on some miles. We just crossed the 100K boundary a short while ago and we're on way to seeing just how far a Windstar can go. What we didn't plan on was testing the truth in advertising from my childhood. We didn't intend to drive it with no oil.

I guess you can probably see where this is going. On Tuesday morning Leah called to say that she had seen the oil light on her dashboard flash on and that she had stopped to check the oil. She then went on to say that the engine had no oil in it. Of course, I replied that she must be looking at it wrong. That would be practically impossible. We just had the oil changed a month or so back, so for us to lose 4-5 quarts of oil in such a short timeframe would mean that there is either a huge black puddle in my garage or that the van would be pouring smoke like James Bond trying to get away from Dr. No (or whatever movie he used a smoke screen in). Ladies note that I didn't say that just because she's a girl, I said it because it didn't make rational sense.

Anyway, when she got to the office, she had Mark (senior pastor) go ahead and check the oil. He agreed with her original assessment and graciously went to the store to pick up some oil for the van. He ended up putting four quarts of oil in the engine. Four quarts! How in the world did the van lose four quarts of oil with no external signs? This just didn't make any sense.

Since I had a meeting in Arlington, I headed home early after the meeting and met Leah at our mechanic's place. Joe (the mechanic) and I (of course in a white dress shirt) put the van up on the rack and took a look at the underside. We hunted and hunted for a leak but we couldn't find anything. There was no evidence of oil being blown back on the undercarriage as you would expect if it leaked while driving, and of course, neither of us have noticed the van smoking meaning that it is unrealistic to expect that that much oil had burned off in a short period of time.

Next step: I headed back to the scene of the last oil change. The Sachse Kwik Kar has been doing the oil changes on both the van and car since we moved to Sachse, and they have generally been a great place to do business. They typically don't find anything else to service on either vehicle and they even helped Leah out with a windshield wiper issue free of charge a couple of weeks ago. Tuesday was a little different story, though.

In all fairness, the guys that I saw on Tuesday were unfamiliar to me, but here's what transpired. I pulled in and told them that I wanted to know what happened to my four quarts of oil. They were the last ones to work with the oil until we put four quarts in that morning, and I needed to know what happened. The guy got under and started checking around and a few minutes later he came out and told me that there were no leaks. I said, "Okay, I didn't think there were, so where did my oil go?"

"Out the tailpipe," he replied.

Looking for clarification I asked, "What do you mean out the tailpipe?"

He explained, "Oil burns off the engine and is transferred out the tailpipe."

I inquired for further information, "So what you're saying is that the missing four quarts of oil burned off my engine and out the tailpipe over the course of the last several weeks?"

"Absolutely!"

Not one to take an answer at face value, I pressed further, "So if you knew that an engine was burning oil at that rate, would you expect to see a ton of blue smoke coming out the exhaust pipe or not?"

"Well of course it's going to smoke to high heaven."

Now we're getting somewhere, "Alright, well did you see my van smoking when I drove it in here?"

"No sir, I did not."

"So, do you think it's possible that there is another explanation?"

With a look of consternation, he stooped down to the tailpipe, swiped his finger on the inside and showed me a black smudge on his index finger, "All I can tell you is that that is oil."

"Really?" I asked, not looking one bit convinced. "I figure that pretty much every car out here is going to have black residue in the tailpipe, so that doesn't impress me much, and I think we would both expect more of a bluish white residue if it was burning oil. How about we try to come up with a more plausible explanation?"

"Well, sir, I don't have any other explanation."

Still unsatisfied, I inquired further, "Do you think it's possible that the last time my van was in here that it left without enough oil?"

"That's ridiculous and impossible. If your engine didn't have oil, it wouldn't have run this long."

"Whoa, buddy. I'm not saying it left here with no oil. I'm asking if it's possible that it just didn't have enough oil. Maybe I got shorted two or three quarts and it burned off the rest in the normal course of driving."

"Sir, that is absolutely impossible," he protested, "we have a 16 point inspection system and our mechanics are highly trained and efficient. There is absolutely no way that any of them could possibly allow a vehicle to leave here without the proper amount of oil."

"Well, I understand that you have systems and processed in place to prevent this and it sounds like the idea that one of your employees made a mistake is about as ludicrous to you as the idea that my engine burned four quarts of oil in four weeks sounds to me."

Unapologetically he responded, "Listen, if you want to know what's wrong with your engine you can take it to our approved mechanic and I'm sure that he can tell you what needs to be fixed."

"I'm sure that he can, but I think for now that I'm going to stay away from your associates."

Now, how hard would it have been for them to have offered to comp me an oil change, verify that level of the oil, and help me monitor the vehicle for a few hundred miles or so to help me determine the issue? They didn't have to lose a customer over this, but now they are not only losing me but also any of you that might have ever gone there in the future. Too bad.