10 Most Dangerous Toys

You really should read the original article for this. I certainly can't write this up any better than Paige Ferrari, but if you don't have the time, enjoy my excerpts from the original. Note that "we excluded BB guns, slingshots, throwing stars, and anything else actually intended to inflict harm."

The List

1. LAWN DARTS – "Removable parts? Suffocation risk? Lead paint? Pussy hazards compared to the grandaddy of them all…If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved."
   
2. GILBERT U-238 ATOMIC ENERGY LAB – "For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three 'very low-level' radioactive sources…It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope – U-238 – has been linked to Gulf War Syndrome, cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the longterm impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab."
   
3. MINI-HAMMOCKS FROM EZ SALES – "…children spending an afternoon like Gilligan became entangled in the net and strangled to death. That's what happens when you spend $4 on a hammock."
   
4. SNACKTIME CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS – "It chewed for chewing's sake. With no mechanism to turn off the munching should trouble arise, it was only a matter of time before some cherub's long blonde hair got caught in the doll's rabid jaws."
   
5. SKY DANCERS – "When spun aloft, the wings – which felt so soft and cushy in the aisles of Toys 'R' Us – turned into steely-hard child manglers…over 150 children fell prey to Sky Dancer's helicopter-blade arms and erratic 'Oh-Jesus-it's-chasing-me!' flying patterns."
   
6. BAT MASTERSON DERRINGER BELT GUN – "…[A] two-in-one combo that took care of all your pants-securing needs with the option every ten-year-old dreams of: the ability to shoot caps at groin level...Every young boy needs to learn the valuable lesson of always protecting his nether regions, with force if necessary, but given the positioning of the Derringer, the owner's greatest enemy might have actually been puberty."
   
7. CREEPY CRAWLERS – "Nothing says safety like an open hot plate. And nothing says fun like using that open hot plate to create molten, rubbery insects you can throw at your sister while narrowly avoiding setting the house ablaze."
   
8. JOHNNY REB CANNON – "For only $11.98, young rebels got a cannon, six cannon balls, a ramrod, and a rebel flag. What better way to permanently maim your little brother while spreading valuable lessons about states' rights?"
   
9. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA MISSILE LAUNCHER – "It takes just a few jabbed eyes, some torn intestines and the death of a child to bring down a party…"
   
10. FISHER-PRICE POWER WHEELS MOTORCYCLE – "Eager youngsters who gunned the throttle found that it often stayed gunned…the child on the motorcycle was then taken on a hellish, intestine-twisting scream ride. At one point, he or she would face choices unthinkable except in an Evel Knievel meets Knightrider crossover episode: Do I jump? Or do I ride it out and see if I can clear the gully? Is it sentient? Can it be reasoned with?"
    
11. (Honorable Mention) MANLEY TOYS DISCO LIGHT – "The brightly-colored disco ball cost 1,500 Chuck E. Cheese tickets. For the average skee-baller, that adds up to about 15 months of play at a cost of approximately $20,000…When left on too long, the ball's multicolored sides begin to melt. The plastic goop then slides down to your shag carpet, creating a foul smelling inferno of plastic, hair, and light bulb filament…The real danger here is probably less to dancing children than to the transfixed pot smoker."