Wife Killer

Some people are legendary in their ability to evade the law and get away with murder. Literally. Think about O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows he is guilty even though he got off, and now he’s publishing a book and a television interview where he can tell the world exactly how he masterminded this plan. The best part of which I’m not even sure he could foresee. He’s getting paid millions to confess to a crime that he can’t be prosecuted for. Ain’t America great?

While I’d have to give O.J. an A+ in criminal studies for pulling this stunt off, there are plenty of other C- students of villainy out there. Notably, a man in Allen, right here in my neck of the woods, who reportedly hired a hit man to kill his pregnant wife. For the full details of the article click here, and for my commentary just keep reading.

So, this guy hires a hit man to kill his pregnant wife. Aside from trying to figure out what kind of person would be both heartless enough to kill a pregnant woman and brave enough to try, let’s just examine the kind of person that was hired. According to the news report, the wife found the hit man in her bedroom, and he did not try to kill her. We don’t know why. We just know that he didn’t. Apparently, he explained to the woman that her husband had hired him and that he just came over to warn her. Think about that for a sec.

If you’re a hit man with a heart do you take the job and then tell your intended target that you took the job? Apparently, he’s even cooperating with police. I’m sure that when they get done with this investigation, though, they’ll be asking, “So what made this guy think to hire you? What else have you done that we haven’t caught you for?” Every good hit man wants to be right in the middle of the police’s radar screen. Where did this guy learn to be a crook?

And let’s not forget that this hit man with a heart was discovered in her bedroom. Why did he have to add breaking and entering to the list of crimes he was going to admit to? Why not just call her on the phone? Knock on the door? Hire a sky writer? Anything besides committing yet another crime. Of course, I suppose that you could say it wasn’t breaking and entering since the husband left the door unlocked before he headed to New Mexico. That’s essentially an invitation for the man to enter the house, but why didn’t the wife lock the door? My wife checks every door and window in the house twice a day or more when I’m out of town, and she’s not even pregnant.

So, now we’ve got a guy that breaks into a lady’s bedroom, claims he was paid by her husband to kill her, claims that he only took the job so that no one else (presumably someone that would actually kill her) could, and intends to cooperate fully with police. But what about the guy that hired him? He fled to New Mexico.

What in the world is in New Mexico? Did he run out of money after he put out the hit on his wife? Is this guy so stupid that not only can he not hire a competent hit man, but he also can’t flee to somewhere with no extradition treaty? Forget extradition treaty. He can’t even get out of the country? I hear the real Mexico is a straight line south from Dallas. A few pesos to the local police and you could disappear there for a while. At least until Dog the Bounty Hunter gets of Mexican jail and hunts your butt down. No, this guy ran to New Mexico. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were at his mother’s house telling her all about his grand plan. Idiot.

Am I the only guy in America that has ever seen an episode of “Without a Trace,” “CSI: [insert city here],” “Law & Order: [insert subtitle here],” “Matlock,” “Cold Case,” etc.? Everybody knows the first person they are coming after is the spouse whether the hit man blames him or not, and God forbid you left semen anywhere. Ever. Those crime lab guys get a hold of that or a pubic hair and they can link you to the last major extinction of dinosaurs. “I got a pube. Let’s do a computer model. The killer is obviously 5’7” about 185 lbs. and speaks with a lisp. He was wearing a red t-shirt and flip flops and he didn’t brush his teeth. Let’s put out an APB.” It’s crazy what kind of info they can get from that stuff.

The best, though, in this whole story, is the neighbor. First she says of the wife, “She was just so full of life…” Does this neighbor not realize that the wife lived? The hit man sucks and her husband is a moron. The wife is full of life. Then she says, “…[I] can’t imagine…how she got out of there.” Is this lady in the same story I’m reading? I think it was pretty easy. After the hit man got done calling the police on himself, she just walked right out the front door.