Dying of the Light

Finally caught up on posts. Highlight below:

We get to see Hiro kill Ando again, but from a different perspective this time. Here we see that Hiro stops time, travels to a prop shop and trades the real sword for a fake, grabs some fake blood, travels back in time to just when Adam started the fight and preps Ando for what is coming, then returns to the bar with Knox and Daphne so that he can pretend to kill Ando. Ando fakes dead long enough to convince Knox and Daphne that Hiro accomplished his task, but Daphne tears into Hiro for killing his friend. Hiro demands to see Daphne's boss, but she just hands him an assignment. He has to go retrieve Usutu, but it's going be hard since Usutu is a pre-cog and will see them coming.

After Daphne leaves, Hiro and Ando set off to Africa to capture Usutu, and they get frustrated pretty quickly. Hiro finds a painting of himself getting knocked on the head just before Usutu hits him with a shovel. Ando's brilliant plan is to go back in time and grab Usutu just before he knock Hiro out. Unfortunately, Hiro just finds another painting on the rock he's hiding behind and gets knocked out again. Finally, Hiro decides to do things the old fashioned way and wait. Usutu praises him for using his head rather than his powers and then challenges him to make a choice between taking him in and finding the villains that he has painted around the Pinehearst logo. In addition to the painting of the villains, though, Hiro sees a painting of Peter hugging his father…

Arthur is still in bed hooked up to all kinds of apparatus when Knox brings Adam in the room. Adam is not fearful at all until he sees Arthur. When Arthur gets Adam close enough to grab, he latches onto his wrist and Adam ages to the point of decomposition and then turns to dust. Arthur immediately sits up, removes the tubes and is completely healed. Obviously, Arthur has an ability similar to Peter's but with the cost of his victim losing their power. Since Adam no longer had the power to heal himself, his body aged to his correct biological state which is dust.

Peter tries to get inside Angela's head to see why she won't move or respond, and he only gets one image: the Pinehearst logo. Peter heads out to infiltrate the facility, and when he arrives, he is shocked to see Arthur. He asks what happened to Angela, and Arthur just tells him that they need to talk and give him a hug. The same thing happens to him that happened to Adam, it's just that Peter really is his current age so he looks the same. Now that Peter doesn't have any of his powers, this could be point where he gets the scar on his face. The question is, how will he get his powers back? And what did Arthur do to Angela? And what other powers does Arthur already have?

Daphne is out continuing to recruit for Linderman. Her current target is Matt Parkman. Coincidentally, Matt is also looking for Daphne, so when he sees her at the airport, he immediately believes that it is fate. He mistakenly tells her about his vision of them being married, and she responds that he's sounding like a stalker. Totally agreed here, Daphne. Anyway, she does tell him a little about what she's doing and Matt reveals that Pinehearst is going to get her killed. Daphne just says that she needs to keep moving and takes off to somewhere unknown. Matt does ask at one point what they have over her, and Linderman implies that they have some leverage on her. I wonder what it is? Does it have anything to do with her track medal? It does seem curious to me that her most prized possession is a track medal when she is certainly the fastest person that she's ever met.

In between conversations with Matt, Daphne zips over to Level 5, releases Flint, and tries to release Gabriel. Gabriel refuses to go since he's trying to "kick the habit" and Daphne just leaves a card behind for him to consider. I wonder how secure Level 5 really is when everyone seems to be going in and out of there willy-nilly. I'm hoping that when they really do catch these villains, we can come up with something a little more heavily guarded and protected than Level 5. That place is about as secure as an abandoned outlet mall. She also pays Mohinder a little visit, notices his collection of "specimens" or whatever he calls them, gets grossed out, and zips away. Is Mohinder going to join the dark side just to get an answer to his questions about the formula?

Claire and Sandra (one of them, one of us is the company motto after all) set out to find Meredith at Doyle's place. Unfortunately, Doyle does have the ability to control all three women at once. Soon, he realizes that they are all related to one another and so he chooses to play a sick game of Russian Roulette that involves them pointing a gun at each other and pulling the trigger. When it's Sandra's turn, she fires until she finds the bullet apparently killing Claire. Doyle thinks it's great since he doesn't know Claire can heal, and she ends up hitting him over the head with a chair to incapacitate him. Noah then arrives and is genuinely impressed with the fact that Claire brought him down. Claire doesn't seem to care much for her father's praise.

Interestingly, Doyle and Meredith's conversations before Claire arrived indicated that there was a previous showdown between the two of them. The way Meredith talked it sounded as if she had been involved in putting him in Level 5 to begin with, and that fits with her statement in the previous episode about knowing that Doyle was very dangerous. Additionally, Doyle talked as if he's had a long-standing crush on Meredith. If Meredith really was involved in that, then it would seem that she had been working for the company, and if that's the case, then why was the company after her to the point that she started a fire and left Claire behind? Also, how was she involved with Nathan and him not aware of her connection to the company? Hmmm….

Mohinder agrees to meet with Nathan and Tracy and tells them that he can help them. They realize too late that it's a trick and end up strapped down to exam tables. Tracy plays the damsel in distress card and lures Mohinder close enough to grab him. She gives him a little freezer burn (too bad she didn't go all the way and turn him into a caramel popsicle) before busting herself and Nathan out. Unfortunately, Mohinder recovers quickly enough to stop them before they escape. I'm betting that we are about to learn more about what's going on with Mohinder as we see the conclusion to their confrontation.

Angels and Monsters

Sorry it's been so long since I put up a new post. I have been watching the show, and I've got back to back notes on the last two episodes. Highlight below to see more:

Nathan handles the opening narrative this time rather than Mohinder. I don't know if that is significant or not, but it is a first for the series. Anyway, Nathan is still trying to work out the details of how Linderman knew that Tracy would jump from the bridge. Linderman just claims something about God as if he might be an angel or something sent to help Nathan find his way. Of course, we know differently since we saw Maury walking around Pinehurst toward the end of the episode. Obviously, Maury is planting the image of Linderman in Nathan's head to get him positioned for his current boss: Mr. Arthur Petrelli.

Nathan and Tracy both find out in conversations with Angela, though, that God has nothing to do with this. Angela explains that Dr. Zimmerman worked for the company and that he specialized in creating synthetic powers. He was instrumental in giving both Tracy and Nathan their powers. Nathan and Tracy are both very upset over this and decide to go visit Mohinder to find a "cure". Nathan tells Tracy that he's both trustworthy and harmless. Well, a lot has changed since the last time Nathan visited the lab.

How is Arthur still alive, and what is his power? We don't know the answer to either of those questions at this point, but we do know that Angela is very frightened when she sees her "dead" husband in an apparent dream. I think it was more of a vision presented by Maury rather than a dream, but her fear raises the question of whether it was really Linderman that "killed" Arhtur. Perhaps it was Angela. Or even Angela and Linderman working together. Also, in the dream, Arthur promises Angela that she won't be able to move when she wakes up, and that seems to hold true.

Whether Angela is good or evil is still up for debate. She may want to use her sons as weapons, but then again, she might genuinely be trying to help Gabriel overcome his hunger. In the previous episode we see that he finally was able to control it, and that may be directly related to her intervention. Peter is certainly not in the mood to wait and find out, though, as he goes straight for her head when she enters the cell with him and Gabriel. As a result, Peter is left in some sort of coma (perhaps induced) while Gabriel and Noah leave to capture another escapee.

Claire is on the hunt as well, and happens to be headed to the same place as Noah and Gabriel. Claire gets there first and learns that Canfield may not be the monster that is portrayed in his file. He seems to be just a man that hasn't yet learned to control his powers well, and Claire naively trusts Noah to just talk. In the end, Canfield sacrifices himself rather than kill Gabriel for Noah, and Noah and Claire are again divided.

I forgot in my last notes that Hiro had gotten Adam, and it played into a humorous exchange in this episode with Hiro repeatedly returning him to the casket in order to assure his assistance. Adam takes them to a bar that is supposed to hire out specials, picks a fight, and uses that as cover to escape. The only problem is that he escapes right into the hands of Knox. Knox and Daphne are working together to help build Linderman's team (really Arthur's team through Maury's manipulations), and the try to recruit Hiro. As a challenge to Hiro's claim to be "bad ass" Knox tells Hiro that he has to kill Ando. Surprisingly, Hiro stabs Ando with a sword. We'll have to see how that all works out since Ando is supposed to be alive in the future to kill Hiro.

Daphne is not very happy about this turn of events and lets Linderman know when she returns to Pinehurst. Did you notice that the Pinehurst logo is the same "God Send" symbol from the previous seasons reversed on itself? Anyway, Daphne figures out that Linderman is not real, but she doesn't quite know what to do with that. She's left with a mission to find and recruit Matt Parkman. Apparently, that's how they will at least meet so that they can later be married.

Mohinder is still busy working on whatever he's working on. For a light snack, he cases and then abducts a drug dealer and puts him in one of his cocoons. Maya realizes what's going on and in the process of trying to free one of the captives ends up being captured herself. For all of the goofiness of this storyline, I can at least say, thank goodness Maya is gone. The question is still out there, what exactly is Mohinder doing? What is he becoming?

Finally, Meredith is out looking for Claire and assumes that Claire went after a different target. Meredith goes to visit Doyle and ends up getting trapped. Apparently, he's some sort of puppetmaster and can make people do whatever he wants. Sandra had assumed that Meredith found Claire, but when the realize that that wasn't the case, Claire is determined to go find her birth mother.

I Am Become Death

Sorry it's taken so long. I've been out of town for the past week, so I only just saw this episode a few days ago. I should be back on track with tonight's episode, though. Highlight below to see my take:

Future Peter takes PP into the future to see what's happened. Amazingly, everyone there has powers. So far, we've seen a future with specials being hunted and caged. One with some kind of disease that was designed to annihilate them. And now one where everyone has some kind of power. All of these options ended in disaster, so what's it going to take to keep the world from being destroyed? I'm not sure it's possible.

Anyway, FP gets shot by Claire, who must be a seriously good shot to have taken him out with a bullet to the base of his skull seeing as how that's the only way to kill him. As a result, PP is on the run and is looking for Sylar. Sylar, now going by the name Gabriel, has apparently learned to control his hunger and is raising a son (Adopted or his? We don't know) named Noah. PP wants Gabriel's power so that he can understand how things are working together to destroy the world. Gabriel warns him that along with his power comes a hunger to always know more which is what led him to kill so many people.

After Claire arrives, still hating her uncle Gabriel, a fight breaks out and Noah is killed. Gabriel then destroys everything in a nuclear blast designed to avenge the death of his son. Presumably Claire and Gabriel survive. PP has actually teleported back to Sylar's cell and is looking for a way to control the hunger. Sylar reveals that they are brothers, but PP should have already known that from Gabriel. Perhaps this is the process that turns Sylar good? If he can be turned.

I'm wondering how the lines were drawn in the battle. Claire is working with Daphne and Matt and they are fighting against Peter. Who is working with Peter? Is this what ultimately tore Hiro and Ando apart? Is Hiro working with Peter and Ando working with Claire? And which side is the good guys?

Matt is still stuck in Africa and is in a trance of some kind that allows him to see the future. He's not painting it, he's sort of living it. Married to Daphne, they are raising Molly as their own. Molly helps them find Peter which is how everyone shows up at Sylar's house to try and kill Peter. So is Matt now a bad guy? Or is he a good guy? And what about Daphne? And why is he following a turtle around in the present? Please don't keep dragging us through this story.

Hiro and Ando are still in the custody of the Company. After attempting to escape the two seem to be on the road to recovery when the Haitian steps in and takes them to Angela. Angela basically tells them they are idiots for losing control of their half of the formula, and Ando steps up in Hiro's defense. Hiro's new quest is to find the formula, but he may just be playing into Angela's hand.

Mohinder is still changing into something else. He seems to have increasing rage along with his other heightened senses. But what is he turning into? Based on the title of the episode, and the way he dragged the abusive husband into the loft, I think he's losing control of his ability to keep from killing.

Nathan is President in the future, and he is married to Tracy. I guess flying a girl around town works for more than just Superman. On the other hand, I'd be nervous about getting her emotions wound up. You might turn into a popsicle.

More Customer Service Issues

Okay. So here's the deal. I haven't been receiving the best customer service lately. Maybe it's me. Regardless, I stopped by Barnes & Noble on my home last night to pick up a copy of Inkdeath that my aunt had purchased for Abbie. She paid for the book over the phone and had it ready for me to pick up at the store. Their instructions to her were for me to just drop in and pick it up at the register in the music section under the name "Newman". Here's what happened:

I went to B&N on my way home. Parked in the main lot (which B&N calls the "back" for some weird reason) and went in the store. The music section is right there, and that's where I was told that they were supposed to have the book. I went straight to the counter, and Mr. "I Skipped Algebra to Work this Evening" asked if he could help me.

I told him that I was picking up a copy of Inkdeath that had already been ordered. He told me that I needed to go to the book section. He said I could get the guys at the helpdesk to show me where I could find a copy.

"Well, I'm not really looking to buy a copy," I said, "The book has already been bought. I just need to pick it up."

"Oh. Well in that case," I was informed, "you'll need to go to the other registers to pay."

"Dude, listen," I was leaning over the counter by now. "A copy of Inkheart was bought by my aunt, she's in Oregon, this store told her that it would be here under the name 'Newman' for me to pick it up."

"Gotcha. I'm sure the customer service desk in the center of the store can tell you where it is."

"By 'here', I meant that they told me it was at the register in the music section. Will you please just check," I was getting a bit frustrated at this point.

"I don't know why they would put a book in the music section. Is it a book on tape?"

"It's not a book on tape, and I don't know why it would be here either. All I know is that she called, she paid, and they told her to pick it up at the music register."

"Well, I'll check, but it's not going to....oh, wait....huh....would you look at that....somebody put a book in my drawer. Are you 'Newman'?"

Shaking my exasperatedly, "Yeah, that's for me."

"Okay. Let me just ring this up real quick."

"ARRGGGHH!!! It's already been paid for."

"Oh. It looks like we got a credit card for this already. I just need you to sign the credit card receipt."

"Really? You do know that my aunt, in Oregon, who is certainly not me paid for this with her credit card. I don't really understand how my signature is going to be helpful here, but whatever."

I signed it and ran.

The good news is that I have the book and Reagan and Abbie are both reading their current books as fast as they can so they can get their hands on Inkdeath.

One of Us, One of Them

I'm so glad that I have something to write about every Tuesday again. This was a pretty good episode that answered a few of the questions presented in the premiere. Highlight below for details.

Starting with Tracy, we found out that she really isn't Niki Sanders. The body in the coffin, the dual birth certificates, and the fact that Dr. Zimmerman claims to have "created" Tracy all point to a possible clones or twins scenario. Now I wonder if there are more than two. And I wonder if Dr. Zimmerman created them with powers intentionally of if that is just a weird byproduct of the process.

Hiro was trying to get the formula back from Daphne, but failed. We're starting to see the crack in his and Ando's relationship. I'll be that Ando really does turn evil and figure out way to gain powers. It always happens in the comics. The greatest nemesis of the hero is someone that he used to be close to. Anyway, the Haitian was blocking everyone's powers while he made the trade with his half of the formula. Apparently, the assignment he was on for Angela was to retrieve her half of the formula. No thanks to Ando, Daphne ended up with that half and is presumably taking it to her employer. I can only suppose that her employer has some kind of pre-cog ability that allowed her to know when Hiro would open the safe and when Haitian would make the trade. Using that, she was able to direct Daphne to be in place at just the right moment.

Present-day Peter was still trapped in the body of the convict, and he finally learned to use the power associated with the body he was in. Some kind of voice or sound wave that knocks people over. Unfortunately for Noah, Future Peter took Present Peter to the future to see what was going to happen. I don't know about you, but I kinda like the tougher more confident Future Peter. I do still wonder, though, why Present Peter couldn't use any of his other powers while in that body. Maybe it's a limitation of the body that he's in.

Noah is working for Angela to get the Level 5 residents put back in place or killed. Her brilliant plan is to partner Noah with Sylar. I can't really figure her out. Apparently, Sylar really is her son that she gave up for adoption, and now she seems to want him to gain power. I think she intends to use him as a weapon since Nathan wouldn't take office for her and Peter won't fight for her. Anyway, Sylar let one guy escape while he was busy taking the sound wave power and whatever Noah thought of him before, it's even less now. I have to admit, though, I really did enjoy seeing Sylar jump into the role of a Federal Agent and get them inside the building. I sure hope that they are not going to try and get us to like the guy, though.

Matt is the annoying one this season. Somebody please buy the guy some face cream. The crusty dry skin is part of being the desert, but I don't really care to see much more of that. And what is the deal with his eyes changing when he put on the headphones. What's playing on them? And why can't Matt just read the African guy's mind to find out what's going on? That storyline is getting pretty lame in a hurry.

Finally, Claire wants to fight. Or more specifically, she doesn't want to feel powerless. Her real mother, for some reason, decided that the best way to teach that was to take Claire to nearly the point of death. Interestingly, while Claire was sweating and suffocating, her mother was not. Does this mean that her mother can withstand fire as well? Or does the fire that her mother creates have some special property that allows her to not feel the heat and lack of oxygen?

Needless to say, she won't be winning Mother of the Year anytime soon, and she's just pushed Claire over the edge. Claire took the Primatech box and is out hunting the same guys Noah is after. I wonder how long it will take for them to meet up.

The Second Coming & The Butterfly Effect

It seems like forever since we've seen a new episode of Heroes, so it was a pretty big deal at our house last night. We hooked it up in HD on the big screen and made an evening of it starting with the pre-show. First off, when was the pre-show filmed? It was designed to look live, but since the sun was still up in Texas, there is absolutely no way it was dark in Los Angeles. More importantly, though, why didn't they spend more time on catching up new viewers on what's been going on? It was just a montage of somewhat random scenes that didn't really provide anyone an understanding of the story. Frankly, I was disappointed. That quickly changed, though, once the actual episode started. Highlight below to read more:

Again, Peter is the key. This time, though, he's screwed with time, and apparently messed up all kinds of things in the process. We've seen multiple futures so far in this show: (1) NYC going nuclear, (2) Sylar pretending to be Nathan and ruling the country from the White House with Hiro as a terrorist, (3) The world in quarantine after a devastating virus, (4) Some future where the Specials are hunted for experimentation to understand their powers. Interestingly, in all of these futures Peter has a scar across his face. I guess no matter what he does, he's going to have a bad run in with something that he can't completely heal from.

Interestingly, Peter's plan to avert the future that he existed in was to shoot his own brother before he shared the news of his powers. As he ran, present day Peter gave chase and caught up to him in the restroom. Apparently, future Peter (FP) teleported present day Peter (PP) to level 5 and put him in the body of some bad news dude that was locked up down there. First of all, what kind of power does FP have that allowed him to put someone in another person's body? Is that something similar to Niki's power? Or is it actually Niki's power? But then if that's the case, why doesn't PP have the same ability since he was in contact with Niki at the end of Season One? Obviously, PP doesn't have the power to get himself out of the other guy's body, but PP was in contact with FP who does have the power. Shouldn't PP have picked up the power from FP then? Maybe PP has the power, but just doesn't know how to use it yet.

On the other hand, both FP and PP have been in proximity with the other residents of Level 5. Won't they now be picking up their powers, too? And are we headed to a showdown between FP and PP? This is really starting out a little confusing and complicated.

While all of that is going on, though, Nathan is dying from gunshot wounds. FP gets a call from Claire and tells her not to come to Texas even though her blood could save Nathan. The only thing you can figure here is that FP actually wanted Nathan to die because otherwise wouldn't he have teleported to CA, grabbed Claire, and teleported back before anyone knew he was gone? I probably would have.

Nathan didn't die, though. He came back to life and healed. At first, I thought that Linderman may have healed himself after being punched through the head by D.L., and that Linderman had brought Nathan back to life. As it turns out, though, Linderman is just in Nathan's head. Why? Is Nathan exhibiting some new power of healing? And is he just crazy or is seeing Linderman also a power of some kind?

And what about Niki? Now her name is Tracy and she works for the governor. Linderman knew that it wasn't really Niki, which could mean that Nathan actually knew that depending on how you view the Linderman character (insane hallucination or some kind of power to channel the dead). The question is, was it Niki with a new personality and so she was different in the sense that Jessica was also different? Or was it just someone that looks exactly like Niki who is actually named Tracy? Could be someone that has the power to look like someone else, like Candice, but why would they choose to look like Niki? On the other hand, maybe Mohinder (or the company) did something to Niki while she was there that created Tracy and gave her the cool new freezing power. So is she good or bad?

Hiro is now in control of his father's company and in charge of a secret formula of some kind. It was pretty funny the way that his dad set him up by telling him not to open the safe and then scolding him when he did. The only problem is that Daphne got Hiro's half of the formula as soon as he opened it. How did she know to arrive at just that moment? Kind of puts the family attorney under suspicion to me. He knew that the video was being delivered, and he probably knew what was on the video. He may or may not have known what the secret is, but he certainly knew the timing that would be required to steal it and find out.

Daphne did raise an interesting question to Hiro, though. What if he kept time stopped and chased her around the world, would time be stopped everywhere or just where he is located? I think it's got to be stopped everywhere otherwise things could really get out of synch. Suppose he stopped time in Los Angeles while the sun was setting. If time wasn't also stopped in San Francisco, they would actually have a sunset before Los Angeles. The more frequently Hiro used his power, the closer we would get to having everything totally screwed up and out of synch. Besides, Hiro is obviously not actually stopping time. If he truly stopped time, Daphne would have been stopped as well since she simply moves super fast. The fact that she was still moving tells me that time is also still moving forward just at a very slow pace relative to Hiro. Daphne moves fast enough to appear to be normal speed to Hiro, but time is definitely not standing still it's just moving extremely slow.

Now, when Hiro went to the future, what did he see? Apparently, Ando killed him with a power of his own and took back the formula. Shortly after, some kind of storm began destroying the city. Was that actually Ando? Could it have been FP or anyone else with a similar power posing as Ando for the purpose of getting close to Hiro and taking the formula? FP seems like a good guess since using the disguise and killing with electricity would require two powers. On the other hand, it's possible that Ando pulls a Mohinder, gains powers, and is tired of being in Hiro's shadow. That's just hard for me to swallow, though.

What was the storm that was destroying the city? Is it what rips the world apart in the paintings that both Matt and Mohinder saw? And how did Matt and Mohinder see the same painting half a world apart from one another?

My favorite Hiro line so far, "I stop time and teleport. I do lots of things that you don't see." Awesome!

Speaking of Mohinder, this guy is still the dumbest PhD that I've ever seen. He's is forever doing the most stupid things in the world, and shooting up some untested, unproven, concoction of God only knows what is about the dumbest thing ever. Was anyone really surprised when he started growing scales or fins or whatever in the heck is coming out of his back? What a goofball. Watching the way that he was climbing and moving combined with the way that he was sniffing around Maya, I would say that he's becoming more animalistic. Maybe he's actually regressing evolution-wise.

Maya is back, much to my dismay. At least her brother is still dead. That's about all I have to say about her. She just really gets on my nerves.

Elle is back, and she might even turn out to fight for the good guys now that Angela has pissed her off and her dad is dead. Either way, I like her character and not just for the eye candy although that is a big plus. She could do some really cool stuff with her power.

Sylar is getting back to full strength and is taking powers again. Interesting to see a bit of how he does it when he was dealing with Claire. Apparently, he just needs to see how it works. Kind of funny line, "Eat your brain, Claire?" That would be disgusting." He did screw something up in there, though, since now Claire can't feel anything. I can totally see that being a problem down the road when she gets hurt in front of someone that doesn't know and she doesn't realize it. It already happened with her mom (Sandra).

And now her real mom is back in the picture. Not sure that I trust the Firestarter, but there's really no reason to doubt that Noah has Claire's best interest as his number one priority. I guess if he trusts her, then I probably should, too. He definitely knows more about the Specials than anyone else.

Back to Sylar. He's still in Level 5 with Angela who had some interesting revelations. First, she told us that her power is predictive dreams. That explains where Peter gained that power, and we all know now for sure that it wasn't from Charles Deveaux as I have had to say multiple times to some of you. If that wasn't clear enough, let me remove any ambiguity: TOLD YOU SO!

Sorry, got a little sidetracked doing the happy dance. Angela also revealed a dream of the future in which some of the prisoners from Level 5 have killed Hiro, Claire, and Noah for some unknown reason and she is among the prisoners and alongside Sylar. Interestingly, she also told Sylar that she is his mother. What does that mean? Is she saying that to be figurative in the sense that she will be the only person caring for him while he's in Level 5? Or does she mean that literally she is his mother? There is some sense to him being a missing Petrelli brother since he and Peter share a similar power of being able to absorb the powers of others. If he's really her son, though, what is she going to do with him? Heck, even if he's not her son, what will she do with him? Will she help him, kill him, or keep him locked up? Based on some of the previews shown during the pre-show, it appears that she will help him, but I don't know to what end?

I think that about covers it for this week, but there was a lot going on, so let me know in your comments if you think I've missed any important points. I may not have picked up on them, or I might have just forgotten to write them down. Let me hear from you.

3-Ply

First of all let me just say that until I read this article, I had no idea that there are actually people out there called "toilet-paper researchers." Now that I know, I'm wondering how you end up in such a career. Is this considered a promotion from arm-pit sniffer? Or is it just the entry point on your way to hemorrhoid cream tester?

Are there kids out there right now that, if asked, would say they want to grow up and study toilet paper? I've got a couple of kids that like to play with the stuff. Maybe that's how it starts. A simple fascination with the idea of, "How did they get it all on that roll so straight?" The next thing you know, you're kid is standing in a bathroom stall with a clipboard and stopwatch asking people how their ***s feel.

Don't laugh. It's a dangerous job that could lead to a lot of misunderstanding, especially in certain airports known to be frequented by members of Congress. And, as I understand these things, if you inadvertently start tapping your foot while waiting for feedback, watch out. You might just start making new friends.

However it happens, there are people out there serving the public interest as toilet-paper researchers, and they have recently made a breakthrough. The 3-ply toilet paper sheet has apparently been an elusive goal, and they have finally determined that really all they needed was one more ply. That really didn't seem too complicated to me, but I'm not an expert in toilet-paper research.

The more puzzling thing to me is that the target market for the breakthrough 3-ply tissue is "women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a 'sanctuary for quality time.'" Huh?? Ladies, please tell me. Is there something going on in there while we are waiting on you to get ready that we need to know about? And why in the world would it take 3-ply tissue? And what in the world does "sanctuary for quality time" mean?

If you're getting your quality time with the bathroom furnishings, then you might need more help than 3-ply tissue can offer. Let's just leave it at that.

Personally, I'd like to see the toilet-paper researchers do something productive like answer the question of why there's never any toilet paper in the bathroom when you really need it.

How many?

Recently, I was finally able to purchase a projector and screen for my media room. Since I've wanted one for about 7 years, this was a pretty momentous occasion at our house. First, we got the projector. It took about 2 weeks to come in. Next, we painted the room. That was a day or two. Finally, we ordered the screen once we knew exactly how large of an image we were going to project. That arrived a week or so ago.

In between getting the projector and the screen, though, the projector started acting weird. It wouldn't always come on reliably. Naturally, I took it back to Best Buy to exchange it for one that works. If you haven't ever read the fine print on the back of your Best Buy receipt, now would be a good time to learn this lesson. Apparently, you can only return projectors within the first 14 days, and I was just outside of that window.

I went round and round with the customer service girl, and she kept telling me that there was nothing they could do. Finally, I told her that she had better go find me someone that could make me happy. The manager came out, and agreed that they would try to repair the projector. If the projector could be fixed, all would be good. If not, then they would replace it. A reasonable arrangement.

That was three weeks ago today. At the end of the first week, I got an email from the Geek Squad telling me that the tech needed to speak with me. Apparently, he had been trying to reach me all week, but somehow they had the wrong phone number for me. Of course, I had given them my number when I left the projector, but the number they had on file was not even close. I have no idea how they got such a completely wrong number.

I called the guy, and he told me that he couldn't get the projector to mess up at all. Of course. He told me that he was pretty sure that the problem was the bulb, and that he would replace it to fix the projector. No problem. I asked how long that would take, and he told me that it would be a few days. Okay.

Another week went by. I stopped by the store to see where things stood with my projector. No update. Later that day, though, the website was updated to show that parts had been ordered. This was the second time that they had apparently ordered parts according to the parts of the ticket that I can view over the internet. I figured then that it would be another few days.

Here it is another entire week later. Still no projector. Still no update. I called Best Buy this morning to get a status update. The girl that answered said that parts have been ordered. I gently told her that I could see that for myself online. I told her that I wanted to know how many Geek Squad agents it takes to change a lightbulb. She chuckled a little, and said that sometimes it takes a while to get parts mailed.

Seriously? Is there anywhere in the US that you can't mail a package to in about 3 days? I told her that I needed someone that knows more about the situation than her to give me an update. She said that they would have to call me back, so I gave her two hours.

That time is about up, so we're moving on to phase two of my plan. Phase one was patiently waiting for them to do their job. Phase two is that I make them just as annoyed about my projector as I am. I have vowed to call them twice a day to check the status until my projector is returned. Let's see how long it takes before they get tired of hearing from me because I know that I'm already was past being tired of waiting on them.

Seriously…Can You Count?

Okay, okay. I know that some of you are wondering if I died and went home to be with the Lord. Maybe some of you were hoping. Either way, I am still here, I've just had a crazy busy summer.

Things got started off with VBS in June during which I was slimed and tasked with mixing together odds and ends from the kids' pantries for our youth minister to eat. I couldn't even stand the smell much less watch him "drink" the nasty concoction. The summer continued with a trip to Colorado to visit family and friends. We had a great visit with everyone. After that it was summer camp. I went to pre-teen camp (3^rd-5^th grade) for a week with our children's ministry. Of course, it was the hottest week of the year (or so it seemed), but we still had a fantastic time with the kids. Then we followed that up with Abbie's birthday, my birthday, Mom's birthday (today…Happy Birthday, Mom), and Reagan's birthday Sunday. It's been crazy.

In spite of all that, I do have a story hidden away as Windy recently guessed.

A week or so ago a couple of my coworkers and I were discussing where to go to lunch. The important thing for you to remember here is that it was a couple of coworkers and me. That means that there were three of us in case you went to that other Texas University and can't do simple math.

Here's the deal. One of my coworkers is on a diet right now, so after we determined that she only wanted to get a salad and after we determined that it had to be a salad that did not contain shredded lettuce (salad snob), we decided that she needed to pick the restaurant. Guess what she picked. I'll bet you're wrong. We ended up at Snuffers.

For those of you not familiar with DFW cuisine, Snuffers is a high-class (if you consider anything nicer than an outhouse high class) eatery specializing in the finest gourmet foods (if you consider cheese fries with bacon, ranch, and extra cheese gourmet). Seriously, it's like a hole in the wall hamburger joint that's known for being able to serve you lunch and a heart attack in less than an hour. Where most restaurants have a couple of drink stations on the floor to keep tea and water for refilling glasses, Snuffers has defibrillation machines on wheels for quick access. It's the obvious choice for someone on a diet and looking for a salad.

As is common, we ordered cheese fries with all the fixings for the table. The waiter, of course, asked to confirm whether we wanted those before our burgers or with our meal, and we told him that we would prefer to have them beforehand. And like most people, we got to visiting while we waited on our food.

Some time passed, and we asked the waiter about our cheese fries. "They're coming right out, don't worry," he assured us.

We visited some more. Some more time passed. We asked again. "The manager is back there right now. I don't know what's messed up, but they'll be right out," he said.

We visited some more. Are you seeing a pattern here? We asked again. "Look, I don't know how the manager got this all messed up, but I'm going to straighten this out. I'll be right back."

Cool. This waiter seems kind of impressive. He's going to bat for us against the manager, and he's determined to provide great service. A few minutes later (about 45 minutes since we were seated) our burgers were delivered.

"Great job, waiter. Where are our cheese fries?" We all wondered.

"SNAP! I'll get them right now," he responded, and off he rushed. When he returned, he delivered ranch dressing for my coworkers salad. Still no cheese fries.

We're starting to notice that pretty much everyone else in the room has cheese fries, and we don't. And then it happened. We were just finishing our burgers and the booth behind me was seated. Two guys. Different server. Apparently, they ordered cheese fries as an appetizer because about 90 seconds later, they had a fully loaded platter of "heart attack waiting to happen". "Are these guys serious?" I asked my coworkers. "I'm going to stop that server the next time he comes over and ask him to get us some cheese fries since he is apparently the only person around here that knows how."

He actually didn't come back by. Our server did, and I asked him about the situation at the booth behind us. Again he blamed it on the manager and asked if I wanted to speak with him. "That'd be a good idea," I assured him.

At this point, we have all completely finished our meals and the check is on the table. We're not paying it, though, until we get the cheese fries situation resolved. When the manager finally found time to take a break from screwing up the kitchen, he stopped by the table, and he didn't even have to ask how our meal was. He already knew.

He started right in with, "I don't really know how your server totally screwed up your cheese fries order. She may have lost the ticket or something. I just know that she keeps pestering me about one of her tables needing cheese fries in a hurry." Do you see the same problems that I'm seeing here? First off, the guy doesn't even know that our server is male. Second, he's throwing his own server under the bus in front of customers. Third, he's admitted that he's known for a while that there is a problem, and he hasn't done anything about it.

Poor guy. He was in over his head. Probably his first time managing a lunch shift. Oh well. You gotta learn sometime.

I just said, "That's all fine, but we still don't have cheese fries, and we're already done with our meal. At this point, we just want to know how you're going to make this right."

He left the table to get us some coupons for free cheese fries, which I thought was fair enough at the time, and we waited and waited until he finally returned. Here's the deal. The guy came back with his business card and he wrote on the back "2 cheese fries, 2 burgers, next visit" and signed it.

I looked at the card, and I looked at him. I said, "Exactly how do you think this is going to do me any good?"

Surprised he said, "Well, you get free cheese fries the next time you're here, and I just threw in free burgers, too."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This guy seriously thought I was getting a good deal, so I resorted to laying it out in plain English. "Can you count?" I asked. "How many people are at this table?"

One of my coworkers about choked on her water at that point trying not laugh out loud at the guy. "Three," he said.

"Okay, so how does 2 cheese fries and 2 burgers sound reasonable for a table of 3 people?" I queried. "Am I supposed to pick which of my friends gets screwed on this deal?"

Frustrated by his own stupidity and inability to count any higher than two, he huffed, "Well, I just don't know how I'm going to make you happy."

I snapped back, "Well, you better figure out something because right now we've got a chance to make a deal. I'm the good guy here. If I let my coworker here start talking, I can't help you anymore. She's already fuming, and if she starts chewing on you, you'll be begging for milder forms of torture like water-boarding, bamboo shoots under your nails, or caning. Pretty much anything that doesn't include verbal abuse." Okay, I didn't really say that, but it sure would've sounded good. The truth is I calmly responded, "Look, this is real easy. Take care of our meal today, and we'll all be good."

"Alright. That's fine," he snipped, and then he held out his hand and looked at me with an expression of expectation. He thought I was going to give back the coupon for a free meal next time.

I just shook my head. "Oh, I don't think so. This is for pain and suffering."

Right about that time, just as we are standing up to leave, an errand boy from the kitchen comes to our table to deliver…you guessed it…cheese fries. We couldn't stand it anymore. We left laughing at the whole situation.

I've still got the card sitting on my desk right now. One of the three that was with us is out on vacation tomorrow, so the two of us that are left may go take advantage of that tomorrow. Hopefully, that same manager is not on duty.

Hey, Hold My Beer for a Sec

Of all the great things that man has accomplished in his tenure on earth none can equal whatever act comes after the phrase, "hold my beer for a sec." Whenever you hear those words uttered, especially with the often heard sub phrase, "this is gonna be hilarious," you know that something great is about to transpire. We have all heard that the wheel, fire, electricity, and paved roads may be the greatest discoveries in the history of the world, but when you look back on them, aren't they just obvious things waiting to be harnessed. There's no real challenge there. For truly great discovery, you need a case of Bud Light, a video camera, and YouTube.

Fortunately, this recent discovery was not captured on YouTube.

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/051408dnmetitch.f81a31c3.html

After a few beers and a very short test, mankind has discovered that revolvers are not intended to be used for back scratching. That's right, I said back scratching.

As this article reports, a man right here in DFW was "drinking beer" (no surprise there) and "playing poker" (I'm pretty sure that's illegal in Texas) when he got an itch on his back. Presumably, there were other people in the room since he was playing poker, but since he was also drinking beer I think we have to allow for the possibility that his opponents were imaginary. Regardless, when he felt the urge to scratch, he put down his beer and reached for the closest thing he could find, which was a revolver.

Okay, I'll admit to having played poker a few times, and I'll admit to having to having had a beer or two in my day. I'll even admit to having a "hold my beer for a sec" moment once or twice in my life. I can't say that I've ever been in a situation where my best option for scratching my back was a revolver. What kind of poker were these guys playing that he needed to pack heat? Would none of his friends help him scratch his back? There wasn't a TV remote, empty beer can, or any other option besides a firearm?

If any of you ever see my trying to scratch my back, please offer to help. And if that's too much to ask, at least offer me something to scratch with that doesn't fire high velocity projectiles.

But let's picture the situation here. The guy feels an itch, so he reaches back to scratch. He can't quite reach it. So far I'm tracking. I've been in this situation. He looks around for a solution and finds a revolver nearby. Was it in his waistband? Laying on the coffee table? Who knows? The point is, he shoves it down his shirt and starts to scratch when all of a sudden he shoots himself. He tells his buddies what happened and they don't believe him until they see blood. Finally, he's patched up at the ER and sent home with "non-life-threatening injuries." How many things are wrong with this story?

We've already covered the obvious, why would you scratch with a firearm question. Let's look deeper. If you did find yourself needing to scratch with a firearm, why would you use one that's loaded? And even if you had to do that, why would you use one that was cocked? And let's say that you had absolutely no choice but to use a loaded and cocked firearm to scratch your back, would you put your finger anywhere near the trigger? I didn't think so.

Setting all of that aside, the guy shot himself and then told his buddies what happened. Does anyone else find it strange that they didn't believe him? What kind of party was this? How did they not hear the shot? I'm thinking the music was either up way too loud or they were doing something besides drinking beer and playing poker. Something just doesn't add up to me.

I just hope that I don't ever find myself in a situation where my back starts itching while I'm drinking a beer and walking through a munitions depot. I'd probably never come out of there alive. Hey, those hand grenades look pretty rough, I'll be that would feel good on my back.

Tough Call

It's really a tough call today as to what I should write about. I've run across several interesting articles, and they all struck me as something worthy of additional insight. Rather than choose just one, I'll try to hit them all and let you decide which you prefer:

• Crazy toll booth bill – Apparently, a woman was told she owed $870 when she tried to leave DFW airport after only being in the airport for eight minutes. Her bill should have been $2, but a "rare" computer glitch caused a slight miscalculation. My favorite part is her quote, "If it was someone else other than me, they might have paid the $870." So is she saying that she's the only person smart enough to realize that it was a mistake? I mean, $870 and $2 are nearly identical in most people's minds. Or is she saying that other people just have $870 lying around in their cars and don't care enough to question the bill? I really don't get it.
  
• Guilty Wife? – This whole deal makes little sense to me. A woman apparently was having an affair, and when she realized that her husband was about to catch her, she screamed rape. The husband killed the man to defend his wife. He was not indicted by a grand jury, and she is going to jail for manslaughter. Huh?
  
• Beer Can Coffin – I don't know what's worse, having a coffin that looks like a beer can, making the coffin look like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, or actually keeping the coffin at home and using to store and serve Pabst Blue Ribbon until you actually need it. This story is so messed up, I'm not sure I could add anything.
  
• Pit Bulls – Hardly a week goes by that you don't hear about a pit bull attack, so from that perspective this is not too original. On the other hand, I've never before heard of a pit bull attacking the engine of a truck. Poor guy. Just got his truck fixed and now it's been attacked by a pit bull. I guess the dogs are losing their taste for humans and are after 10W-30 now. I think it would have been hilarious to see the look on the guy's face, though, when he opened the hood and his engine growled at him.
  
• Earth's Other Moon – Is it possible that Earth had more than one moon at one point in time? Without going into a lot of detail, scientists have identified several LaGrange points in the solar system (these are points between objects were gravity balances out so that each object has an equal force). In reviewing these different points, they are finding that there are generally objects trapped in them. They found, however, that the LaGrange point between Earth and our current moon is empty. So, obviously, the fact that there is nothing there means that we used to have two moons and some outside force messed up the trinity. Make sense? Sometimes, I really have a hard time understanding how scientists get to their conclusions.
  

Enjoy!

Excuses…Excuses

I think it might be simple human nature to make excuses. All the way back to the very first couple, Adam and Eve (not Steve), mankind has been making excuses. If you remember in that story, Adam and Eve both ate the fruit, and when God showed up and asked what happened (like He didn't already know), Adam said, "She made me do it." Or something like that.

All of us that are parents have experienced similar situations with our own children. I've got four, so sometimes it can get a little difficult to sort out the truth, but I imagine that even in a house with only one child and one broken lamp, the parents will still hear, "It wasn't me, Momma. Didn't you feel that earthquake? Look, it even knocked the pictures on the wall crooked." Momma, of course, is holding the golf ball that nearly hit her after it bounced between the pictures on the wall, and she is thinking, "At least my kid didn't hit me in the head with a golf club like that poor lady in Sachse."

Seriously, we all do it. We don't want to be in trouble, and in some twisted part of our messed up brains we think that lying can help us avoid trouble while the rational part of our psyche is quite certain that all we will get for our lies is more trouble. And how many of us are even all that good at lying? Take this woman for example:

http://www.nbc5i.com/health/16161866/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=weird-news

As an officer of the law, you would hope that she would be above making excuses, but this just proves that no one is immune. The best part of the story is the excuses that she tries to use to get out of trouble. It's like an excerpt from a conversation with a teenager.

First, she's weaving all over the road, hitting parked cars, and crossing into oncoming traffic. Remember, she's driving a patrol car during all of this, so it is being video taped. After hitting one car in particular, she got out to inspect the damage and was met by a captain. How embarrassing would it be to get pulled over by another police officer while you are actually driving a patrol car?

Anyway, she's inspecting the damage, but she tells the captain that she didn't hit anything. Just like a teenager. "I swear, it was like that when I got it. I tried to tell the guy in the garage that I shouldn't drive around with a completely messed up vehicle, but he just ignored me."

And that's just the start. I can't even make this stuff up. The captain, after questioning the damage to the vehicle says, "I got another guy who saw you swerving all over the road." Wait for it and think about the last time your kids tried changing the subject rather than lying and didn't even realize that they gave away more incriminating evidence in the process. "I was on my cell phone; I wasn't swerving all over the road," she says.

Boy, that really justified things in my mind. Thank goodness she was just on the cell phone. There's no police officer in the world that would think driving and talking on a cell phone might be dangerous.

Understandably, she was fired, but she wasn't done with the excuses. Oh, no. She realizes now that the cell phone ploy was ineffective, so she's decided to tell the truth. She took Ambien before she got behind the wheel. You know what Ambien is, right? It's that stuff that helps you talk with Abe Lincoln, a beaver, and some astronaut. John Edwards pops a few before every show to get in touch with beings just beyond our reach. This is just based on the commercials, but it seems to me like it might impair your ability to think rationally and it could possibly make driving a little unsafe. I'm even going to bet that the side of the box says something like, "May cause extreme drowsiness and disorientation. Do not use in the shower or operate any motorized vehicles after taking. And don't say anything about Abe's pimple; he's sensitive." I know, you can't use anything in the shower anymore, not even hair dryers which really cuts down on my efficiency in the mornings, by the way.

Seriously? She wants her job back because she took Ambien before driving. She says in one quote, "I worked until 2 in the morning last night." Apparently, that was before she took the Ambien. Gee, I wonder what happens when you are dead tired from working, take a sleep aid, and then get behind the wheel of a patrol car? I'm betting the citizenry starts lose faith in the whole "protect" part of "Protect and Serve."

The good news is that she's got the perfect lawyer. Apparently, he's telling the grievance board that Ambien has been linked with erratic behavior and there are some reports of people taking the drug, driving around, and not remembering it later. Well, do you remember that whole part about how changing the subject doesn't always work in your favor? And he even implied that it might have been her supervisor's fault for letting her work since she showed up late for roll call and was wearing pink flip-flops. Umm…is anyone surprised that the board unanimously disagreed?

How Many Times?

It was a great plan, or so we thought. Abbie has shown a little interest in golf over the past several weeks, and I've taken the time to go to the driving range with her, setup a net in the backyard for practice, and finally, to get a tee time for us this past Sunday afternoon. She's really been doing well, and I think it might be right up her alley since she only has to concentrate in 15 second bursts rather than say an entire hour at a softball game.

So, Leah and I talked and thought it would be a good idea to spend some time as a family on the golf course. Since it was a little cold and dreary, we figured there wouldn't be too many people on the course, and we planned for Reagan and the other sisters to join us at the number 6 tee box since it is close to the house. After we got the all-clear from the clubhouse to put three people in each cart, we headed out and called Reagan to meet us at the green for hole 5.

Abbie had been playing very well, but you know what happens when you get all the kids out there together. They can't stand for only Abbie to be playing. Emma and Sydney had to try as well. Surprisingly, Emma walked out there (4 years younger than Abbie) and took a swing with a club that's really too long for her and hit the ball almost as far as Abbie. I was pretty impressed. Sydney didn't do so well, but the shortest club we have is nearly as tall as she is, and Reagan chose to just sit in the cart and watch.

We were really having a great time with the kids on the course, and we stopped after the ninth hole for a quick break in the clubhouse. It was just after that that the trouble started. After Leah, Abbie, and I took our second shots on the tenth fairway, the kids were taking their turns. I was watching Sydney, and apparently, Reagan had chosen to take a swing, too. The next thing I know, Leah was screaming at the top of her lungs. Not like angry momma screaming. It was more like Jamie Lee Curtis trying to get away from her crazy brother screaming.

I turned around and saw Leah laying on her side, holding her head. Reagan was standing over her crying. Abbie was hiding behind the nearest golf cart, curled up in a ball, and crying. Emma was stunned. Sydney was still trying to hit the golf ball and looked at me as if to say, "Could you please get the gallery to be quiet?"

I ran over to Leah and did a quick visual inspection. She was bruised all around her left ear and the top of her ear lobe was bleeding. There was a lot of blood, but I couldn't find any other sources than just her ear lobe. I put the kids into action getting towels, picking up clubs, gathering our hit balls, and waiting for me by the other cart. I took Leah to the clubhouse to get some ice for her ear and head. I think the girl at the register thought I wanted to use it for a cooler or something, though, because when I said I wanted a little bit of ice, she pulled out a trash bag and starting filling it. I didn't have time for that. Two scoops in, I grabbed the trash bag and headed back to the cart.

We got back to where the kids had been waiting and the marshal had driven up. I don't think he heard the screaming, but I'm sure he was wondering why there were four unattended children on the course. Apparently, Reagan had already told him what had happened. She was swinging her club and didn't check behind her. Leah was behind her and didn't know she was swinging. Reagan had hit her ball and then her mom.

Reagan took two of the sisters with her in the other cart, and Leah and squeezed Sydney between us in our cart. The marshal followed us out to the truck and helped us unload our things and took the carts back to the clubhouse for us. He was really very helpful, and I'm going to write a note to the club later today expressing my thanks for his help.

Quickly, I dropped the kids by the house and left instructions with Reagan and Aunt Sis before Leah and I headed to the ER. The closest hospital to us that I know of is Baylor Garland, so that's where we went. I was not prepared for the rest of our evening.

First, I was shocked at the number of people in the ER that showed no outward symptoms that seemed worthy of an ER visit. Come to find out, there are some people that identify ERs that will take them without insurance and they go there for there for pretty much anything. Some of them even have insurance, and they still game the system this way so they don't have to pay the co-pay and deductible. I'm not sure how it works, but it kept us in the waiting room for a while. Honestly, while we waited, I saw one little girl that had what appeared to be a very minor scratch. She was there about ten minutes and left with a band-aid. Come on, I'll give you $1 to buy a box of band-aids and get out of my way. I also saw another woman who seemed to know everyone there, including the patients. She chatted with the nurses about how things were going around the ER and some of the recent process changes they had made. I think this woman just comes in every Sunday to hang out and see if anything is wrong with her. It was almost bizarre, but nothing could have prepared me for triage.

Talking to the triage nurse opened my eyes to whole different world that this ER apparently deals with on a fairly regular basis. Up to that point, a lot of people had asked what happened. The kids, the marshal, my aunt, etc. Without exception, they asked the same question after I told them that Leah was hit with a golf club: "How did that happen?" It's just not something that happens very often, so it seems like a natural question. The triage nurse broke that trend. He asked Leah what happened, she told him she was hit with a golf club. Without looking up, slowing down, or even changing his deadpan delivery he says, "How many times?"

It took me completely off guard. What kind of question is that? Leah was confused. It never even entered either of our worlds that someone might have intentionally hit her; not to mention having done it multiple times. This guy was completely serious. Obviously, this was not the first time that he'd ever seen someone hit with a golf club, but I think it might have been the first time that he saw it happen accidentally. Leah told him, "Only once…I think." Great answer, hon. Now the guy is eyeing me, and I can tell he's trying to decide whether he should call the cops to investigate or not. Blood on my pants, a golf club, "Sure it was an accident," his mind screamed. And I'm trying not to smart off with something like, "Hey, I stopped when I realized the blood would stain cotton." See, sometimes I can resist being sarcastic.

We sat in that waiting room for at least 90 minutes. I told Leah that I think it's a weed out process. If it's bad enough to sit in the waiting room for 90 minutes, then you get rewarded with a room, a bed, and a TV. But that's just the second phase. You have be able to wait in a room, on a hospital bed, with a TV tuned to some unknown cable channel, with no remote, and the volume just loud enough that you can tell the actors are talking but not loud enough to actually be able to understand them. If you can wait in that room for another hour, then you get rewarded with a nurse. It keeps going until you finally get to home about 5 hours later.

Now, to be fair to my friends in the medical community. I know that there can be more serious cases that need to take priority, but honestly, did it really take 5 hours to put a little superglue on Leah's ear and write a prescription for some pain medication? We had a CT done by 8pm. We had the results by 10pm (which seems like a long time to me). We left the hospital at 1:30am, and then we had to go wait at the pharmacy for drugs.

And tell me this, how is it possible that when I went in the CVS at 1:45am that it still took 20 minutes to get the prescription filled? It's just me and the pharmacist in there. Who else is he filling prescriptions for? Or is he having trouble counting out the pills? Hopefully, not or I should be concerned about the meds I got. I think he was punishing me for acting like I was going to smart off and say, "Dude, who could possibly be in line ahead of me at this hour?"

The good news is that she only has a minor concussion and a small laceration on her ear lobe. The bad news is that the whole left side of her face is bruised and her ear hurts so bad that she can't move it all. Not even like when she talks or eats. Well, maybe the talking part should be in the good news, but you get the point. It hurts.

She's at home now, and I'm only in the office long enough to do a couple of meetings and then I'm headed back to take care of her.

I Had No Idea

I have friends and family that live in Colorado, and they all tell me that it is a wonderful place to live. They claim that the weather is nice, the humidity is low, and the bugs that we deal with in Texas are non-existent. They say that even though it snows, it's only around long enough for the kids to have fun, and they say that you absolutely can't beat the scenery. I don't think they are telling the whole truth, though.

You see, here in the DFW area, we do have to deal with high heat, humidity, mosquitoes, and fire ants, but the biggest choice in my toddler's life is picking between Chuck E. Cheese and McDonalds for a birthday party. My wife and I, just like everyone else in our neighborhood, raise our kids in a pretty safe world where they run and play with the neighbor kids all along our street. And I'm pretty sure that my kids have no idea what a gang is.

Apparently, that's not the case in Colorado. No, as a matter of fact, while parents in Texas are potentially arguing about where to have their baby christened (or dedicated), the parents in Colorado are fighting about much more weighty issues: which gang will our child claim?

I didn't know it was that big of deal, but for a couple in Commerce City, Colorado, it's huge. And we all know that it wouldn't be such a big deal to them if it wasn't important in their community. And if it's important in their community, then it must be a big deal throughout the state. Don't you love that Democrat logic I just threw in? I learned that from the last Clinton speech I watched (one guy she met needed health insurance, therefore everyone needs government health insurance). By the way, Commerce City is just north of Denver, so it's practically in the backyard of everyone I know in Colorado. I bet they hear gunfire and sirens every night, and they just don't tell me because they don't want to scare me away from visiting.

Obviously, this is a big issue in Colorado. Based on the news article, it sounds like a temporary peace was forged through an intermarriage of the Crips and the Westside Ballers. It's almost like Medieval Europe, except for the never-ending wars. Well, okay, it's just like Medieval Europe. The two gangs were joined through marriage, but now they have to decide which gang their child is going to claim. I guess it never occurred to them that (1) he might not want to be in a gang – granted this is unlikely given the obvious prevalence of gangs in Colorado, (2) he might choose on his own one day – you can't let kids make their own decisions about this kind of stuff, that could lead to alcohol and drug use, or (3) he might start his own gang, the Cripside Lobbers – there are lots of country clubs in Colorado; he'll be the king of the tennis courts.

The good news is that the father was arrested and jailed for causing a huge public disturbance during his fight with his wife, so we at least know that the child has a good role model at home. There's no way that you can mature into a contributing member of gang society if you don't have your own personal felon to look up to.

So, to all my Colorado friends, what gangs are you pushing your kids to join? I want to make sure I wear the right colors when I come to visit.

Weekend at Jeffrey’s

It's not very often that I get to have a couple of days with no women. Now, I know that that might sound really glamorous to all of the single guys out there, but trust me, when you live in a house with six women, it's nice to have a few days with just your brother every once in a while. Since last Friday was Jeffrey's birthday, I left work early and headed over to Shreveport to celebrate with him.

To start things off, I packed all my things the night before. My plan was to leave straight from work and head to Shreveport. If I got there early enough, we could play an entire round of golf before dark. That plan misfired. For all my planning and packing, I still managed to leave one essential item at home. Around 9am Friday Leah called my office, "Did you mean to leave this duffel bag full of clothes in our bedroom?" Dang it! I still left work early, but I had to go to Shreveport via Sachse, which added about an hour to the trip.

The good news is that I still got there in time for golf. Of course, Jeffrey had already started celebrating his birthday with some friends from work. I don't know how many margaritas he had there, but I know he had two beers before we started playing and a White Russian after hole number 3. It all worked in my favor, though, I had him by a couple of strokes most of the round. In the end we ended up tied, and everyone keeps asking what was wrong with Jeffrey. Why can't anyone be proud of me for finally coming close to beating Jeff in golf?

I mean, so what if his average score is probably is an 82 and he shot a 102 on his birthday? That doesn't necessarily mean that he wasn't intimated by my amazing grasp of the game. I think he was pressured by the fact that I kept consistent pressure on with one double-bogey after another. John (my cousin), on the other hand, thinks I'm just bad luck on the course. He swears he played his worst round the last time the two of us went out, so he wasn't surprised by Jeffrey's score at all. Thanks, John. That's almost a compliment.

After golf, we went to see The Ruins. Oh yeah! None of the ladies I live with are interested in seeing scary movies, so it was perfect. A Newman brothers movie event. We even picked up Logan and let him tag along at the risk of giving him nightmares for the rest of his natural life. Now, I'll be honest and tell you that this was not a completely women free event. Melissa and Megan (two cousins) were in town and also wanted to see Jeffrey on his birthday. We let them join us at the movie, and if you've never watched a horror movie with Jeffrey and Melissa then you are missing out. How could anyone be scared with the two of them making wisecracks at every boneheaded move that the characters made? Megan even got in her fair share after she recovered from the trauma of being scared half to death by a move trailer preceding the show. Yes, that's right, she was scared by the trailer, so I'm pretty sure that there is no way on earth she'll be going to see The Strangers.

It was pretty late after the movie, so we headed back to Jeff's to hit the sack. Bright and early the Saturday morning, we got up and prepared to go fishing. Now, one of the first things I generally do in the morning is eat breakfast, and I know that my brother loves cereal. I figured he was sure to have a box of something and some milk stashed away somewhere. I took one look in the fridge, though, and was quickly reminded that I was in a bachelor pad. My choices for breakfast were Coors Light or Corona. We stopped at McDonald's on the way to the lake.

When we were planning this fishing trip, we had to consider where to go because Jeffrey and I only have Texas licenses. Well, Dan (stepdad…okay, ex-stepdad, technically), told us that we absolutely had to go to Jeem's Bayou to catch fish. It feeds Caddo Lake, it should be protected from the wind, and it should be full of bass. The problem is that it's in Louisiana, so we needed a day license to fish in Louisiana.

We had already stopped by Dick's Sporting Goods before the movie on Friday night to pick up our licenses, and one thing I can say about that is that they won't be winning any awards for customer service. We went back to the hunting/fishing section to ask about a day license, and we were told that licenses were sold at the customer service desk in the front of the store. As we started to the front of the store, Jeffrey noticed a guy checking out a spotting scope, and he stopped to ask the guy about it. I hope I'm not being paranoid, but would anyone else think it odd that a Caucasian guy who speaks no English is checking out a spotting scope that can pinpoint a target probably half a mile away during an election season where a woman and a black man are candidates? It felt like a scene from a movie, and now I'm really hoping that nothing bad happens to either one of them so you can't say I was complicit.

Anyway, back to the story. We made our way to the front of the store where we found a line of about 8 customers waiting at the one open register. Of course, there was no one at the customer service desk, so we started searching for help. Moments later, the same guy that had directed to the front of the store shows up at the customer service desk. Now, why couldn't he have just walked with us and helped us if he was coming that way anyway? He said that he still couldn't help us because we needed an actual customer service oriented person. At this point, that seemed like an unlikely find in this store, but he came up with a person that was sure to get us what we needed.

We told her that we wanted a single day fishing pass. She told us that there was no such a thing. We told her that it was listed on the internet and it was supposed to cost only $5. She told us that she had never heard of such and that she didn't see it on her list. We asked her where people from out of state would need to go to buy a day license. She said, "Oh, a day license! For out of state. Yeah, we've got those. They're like $5." Brilliant.

She started processing our licenses, and Jeffrey and I noticed that that single register was still working on the same customer they had been on when we got to the front of the store. The line just kept longer and longer. I'm sure the store manager was looking for someone with customer service experience (or at least enough sense to count to ten without using their fingers) to run another register, but apparently all of those employees had the weekend off. Finally, our licenses came out, and we handed her $5 apiece. She looked us right in the eye and said, "I can't take that." What?

She explained that we now had to go wait in line at the cash register to pay for the license so we could get a receipt. We took one look at that cashier who was still struggling to finish checking out the same customer (I think they were buying a pair of shoes and a shirt, and the shoes were throwing him because there were two shoes and only one price tag), and we said, "Why would we need a receipt? We can't bring the license back, and having it is proof of purchase." She was already holding the cash, so we just told her that she would need to figure out how to get the money in the register on her own, we were leaving. That poor cashier's head would have spun on his shoulders if he tried to figure out how to ring up a Louisiana license, that had already been printed, for a guy from Texas.

Jeem's Bayou. That's where we needed to go, Dan had said. It seemed like a good plan on paper. In reality, we got up there, and saw a strong north wind coming down the north-south running bayou. Honestly, I told Jeffrey that I wouldn't normally put kayaks in the water in the conditions we were seeing, but since we came all that way, we were determined to fish. It took us about 15 minutes to make our way about a mile north against a crazy strong headwind. Once we got there, though, we were a little protected by some trees, and we enjoyed several hours of fishing. No catching, but good fishing.

Then it was time to head back to the dock. In the hours that we had been up in the trees, the wind had really picked up speed. I kid you not, it was probably blowing about 30 miles per hour. The bayou was covered in white caps. The wind coming down and the waves bouncing back and forth between the trees and the shore made the open water extremely rough with probably 2.5 or 3 foot waves. It was so rough, that several times we found our kayaks on the top of wave and our paddles didn't reach the water in the trough for the next stroke. And missing one stroke in those conditions had you spun around or pushed into something. The kayaks performed well, though, and neither of us was ever fearful of flipping over. The waves just made it a little more interesting.

As we were taking the boats out of the water, we started talking with the guy that manages the boat ramp there. He was busy pulling water hyacinth and salvinia out of the way of the ramp. If you don't know, those are two problem plants on Caddo Lake (at least on the Louisiana side). The salvinia is particularly problematic because it grows very fast and can completely kill a lake by blocking sunlight and using up all the oxygen and nutrients in the water. He said that he has to pull it out of the way of the boats several times a day or the ramp will get so clogged that you can't use it.

Towards the end of the conversation, though, he pulls up a little of the salvinia to show us exactly what it looks like. He grabs one small piece; maybe three leaves on small stalk. According to this guy, a piece that small will create 60,000 small shoots that same size in a week. He says that it could cover hundreds of acres in a single week. Amazing!

On the way home, I look over and I can tell that Jeffrey is deep in thought, so I ask what he's pondering. He says, that he's trying to figure the number of seconds in a week. Okay, I'll play. Two moderately intelligent guys driving down the road started running some numbers and…

Carry the one…

Multiply by seven…

Divide by 60,000…

To our way of figuring, for that one small shoot to make 60,000 shoots in a week, a new one would have to grow about every 10 seconds. We stood there and looked at the thing longer than that. For that matter, we talked to that guy for probably 15 minutes. How come the whole front of his tractor wasn't covered in the stuff by the time we were ready to leave? Shouldn't it have been practically growing around his hand while he held it? I don't know about you, but I'm gonna have to call BS on those stats. I'm sure it grows fast, and it's definitely a problem, but it ain't growing so fast that you can literally sit there and watch it spread.

To finish off our time together, we headed up to the Buffalo Wild Wings for a surprise party for Jeffrey. Lot's of friends and family were there, and we all enjoyed good food and visiting while we helped Jeffrey enter his thirties. This party was mainly organized by a girl named Brandy, and at one point, John leaned over and asked me if it was Jeffrey's girlfriend. I could only respond honestly with, "I don't know." In the time that I was there, I saw that he had birthday signs placed in his yard by April who signed them "I love you." He got a call from a girl in Chicago asking her when she was coming home so they could go out again. He got a text from a girl in Dallas asking when he was coming to visit her again. And he got party from Brandy.

I guess Jeffrey probably enjoyed having some time without women, too.

How to Pass the Time

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to pull off a robbery? Would it be glamorous and sexy like The Thomas Crown Affair? Would it be slapstick funny like Fun with Dick and Jane? Or would it be well planned but ultimately foiled by the police like Heat? Or would it be the one moment in your life that labeled you as a moron in front of the rest of the world?

So, how's this for a plan?

I'm really in need of cash, so I'm going to knock over the local convenience store. They always have cash (just not any bills larger than $20). Of course, I'll have to pack some heat. They won't just give me the cash if I'm being polite. But since I'm not a hardened criminal (nor a criminal mastermind), I want to be sure that I don't actually hurt anybody.

Handguns can fire accidentally, so I'm planning to just pack a knife. The only problem remaining is that the convenience store is always busy. I'll need a reason to hang around until there is a break in the flow of customers. There are only so many times that I can check the label on a bag of Funyuns before I look suspicious, so I'll need a cover. How ironic would it be if I just wasted time filling out an application to work for the store and earn money from them legitimately?

Now, I'm not a complete idiot. I'll have to actually write stuff on the application so they don't catch on to my scheme, but I'll use a fake phone number and address. Well, maybe not completely fake because that would take more imagination than I've got. I'll use my uncle's phone number. Besides they might like what they see and want to offer me a job.

Thinking of that, how would I know they were calling for me? I guess I'll go ahead and put my name on the app, too. There's bound to be a million Michael Newmans in the world, they'll never know it was really me. I mean, think about it, my dad and I have the same name. That'll throw the police off right there.

Okay, so that's not really my plan, but it is a plan. A plan for how to provide the most assistance to law enforcement while simultaneously committing a felony, and it's true.

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/15815839/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=weird-news

Really…why would I ever need to make up anything to write about when the world is still full of people?

Finally Did It

As most of you know, Leah's Windstar has been in the process of dying for a while now. First, it developed an oil leak which we found out was actually leaking oil into the transmission. Then it started sucking oil up into the engine. We were actually putting oil in it almost twice a week. The silver lining was that I didn't have to worry about oil changes; it always had new oil. After all that, it started leaking coolant to the point that you got to experience a strong antifreeze odor when driving. It was like a scratch-and-sniff sticker that you wished you'd never scratched and hoped you'd never have to sniff again.

We took it to the mechanic last week, and he actually said, "Why in the world do you want to keep this van running? Just go get another one." So we did. I wasn't really ready to have another car payment, but I think that's a little like having kids. You're never going to be ready; you just have to jump in and make the best of it. And this was one of our best car purchase experiences yet.

We started on the internet by researching the vehicles and prices that we were interested in, and then Leah started calling dealerships. The great thing is that they actually emailed us prices and did a little negotiating in that forum. We could call and email different salespeople to find the best deal without ever leaving the house, and we didn't have to get everything done in a single day. We actually spent about 3 days just shopping dealerships until we settled on Bankston Ford in Frisco. Interestingly, we bought both our van and truck at Bankston and were really pleased back then, and this time around they couldn't be beat either.

We were looking to buy and Expedition, and since we had already done our work up front via email, we were able to walk in the door, find the salesperson we had been dealing with, and go to the specific vehicle that we had already been discussing. Here's where I had a minor gripe. It had been 3 days since we got the original quote (that no one had been able to beat), and we arrived a day late to see that truck. On the other hand, they were quick to find another one just like it at a nearby dealership and were ready to offer us the same pricing. I just wish that they had a way to notify us that the truck had been sold and offer a different deal before we drove out there.

Anyway, while the sales lady was looking for an alternative for us, Leah and I wandered the lot, and we found an Eddie Bauer Expedition that had basically the same price as the XLT that we had been discussing. Pretty cool since the Eddie Bauer has more things built in standard. So when the lady came back with an option from an alternative dealership, I asked if they could do a similar price on the Eddie that was right there on their lot. It wasn't exactly cut and dried, but she took us to see talk to her manager (another nice touch that sure beats talking to her, her running to the manager since she can't make any decisions on her own, and all of that back and forth business) and after some discussion with him we got to the same deal.

The truck already had almost everything that Leah wanted, but it didn't have a DVD system. Their standard package comes with 2 headphones, and you all know how well that would work with 4 kids. I got them to get me a pretty good discount on the upgraded DVD system with 4 headphones, and Leah is having that installed today. So, the kids and Leah are really excited about that. I can see it now. We're jumping in the car to drive around the corner to a neighbor's house, and they'll be putting in a movie.

All told, we had a pretty good experience and got a really great deal on a new truck.

Ever Had One of Those Weeks?

So far Leah and I are having about the worst week ever. As these things go, of course it didn't start this week; it all started when we were in San Diego. While we were there, Leah's mom, Babe, fell and broke her arm. She had been living with Leah's brother and his "friend," and since Leah's brother has been detained (again) by the state and his "friend" was at work she was found that evening laying on the floor in pain. Leah and I were both in California, so there was not much we could do, but Leah did talk to the doctors over the phone and learned that the only way her arm would get fixed would be with surgery. The only problem is that none of her doctors will approve the surgery because of her other health issues. Basically, Babe went from needing some assistance to needing 24/7 care in a single moment.

Over the course of that week and the next, a combination of friends and relatives sat with Babe to help take care of her while everyone tried to identify the best long term solution. Inevitably, the answer was a care facility, but the real question at that point was how to pay for it. Babe has basically no income and no assets, and the cost is over $100/day at the low price facilities. We've been navigating the waters of Medicare and Medicaid to try and answer these questions, and thought that we had found a solution in Garland. This past Monday morning, Babe checked in and settled into a room, and we thought everything was done until yesterday morning.

Yesterday morning, Leah went down to start the Medicaid paperwork and was told that we would need to pay for the room out-of-pocket until Medicaid came through. The process time for the Medicaid would be at least 30 days, so we were looking at about a $4,000 cost. No way! We can't afford that. After much fighting, talking, crying, and questioning, we ultimately took Babe back out of the facility and to our house. Leah has been making calls all day today to try and find a different facility that can take her and can handle the Medicaid situation better, but it looks like we'll still be out-of-pocket some amount no matter what we do.

As if that stress wasn't enough, we had a serious rainstorm here yesterday. Some people that live near me said that the recorded nine inches at their house. I had to make about four U-turns to get home because I kept going down roads that were closed due to high water. It was a big deal. And guess what! Reagan's bedroom window was open for the whole deal. I don't mean cracked either. I mean open as wide as it could be. An area about four feet square in front of her window was absolutely soaked along with all of the furniture, books, electronics, etc. that was in front of the window.

I went to Home Depot after I figured out a safe path through the water and rented a carpet cleaner to suck the water out of the carpet. It worked pretty well, but it took about two hours. It just kept sucking up water. When I was done, I had about 2.5 gallons of water in the reservoir! We left fans blowing on it overnight, so it would dry out even more. Hopefully, there is not any more damage that we can't see.

But wait there's more. We can't find Leah's cell phone. She knows she had it in the van yesterday because she was talking to me as she drove into the garage. She thought she took it inside the house, but we turned the house upside down twice to no avail. We supposed it were possible that it got left in the van, but we cleaned out every inch of the vehicle and couldn't find it. The best guess at this point is that it was in Leah's lap and when she jumped out of the van to run inside a restaurant for lunch it fell into the water (which was rushing under her van) and was swept out to sea.

Surely that would be enough, but whose week could be complete without a flat tire? That's right. Leah drove over a nail somewhere (probably washed up on the road by all the rain) and put a hole in one of her rear tires. She called me yesterday afternoon after she got home saying that her van was making a funny hissing noise, and in the process of searching for her phone realized that the hissing was the air escaping through the hole in her tire. That's a serious hole. Discount Tire couldn't even fix it, we had to buy a new tire, but thank goodness for road hazard insurance because it was only $15 to replace it.

What else could possibly go wrong? We're only halfway through the week. I'm seriously contemplating curling up in a little ball in a dark room somewhere and counting down the hours until this week is over.

You Gonna Be Much Longer?

We've all been there. You go to Taco Bell late at night because you're desperate for something to put in your stomach, you order the bean burrito because $0.39 is all you scrape from the crack in the backseat of the car, and then find yourself the next morning wishing for a copy of the entire Harry Potter series and some handrails while your spouse is in the other room telling you it's time to go. "You gonna be much longer?" you hear someone cry from the living room just before one of the kids enters the master bedroom in search of you and passes out from the fumes. "Honey, I think junior cracked his skull on the tile when he lost consciousness," but your spouse is not about to put their life in danger by coming anywhere near you. Junior will just have wait.

Have any of us ever been there so long that we actually had to shave again when we came out? That we really finished an entire novel while sitting on the throne? That we literally grew to the seat and couldn't get back up? I sure hope not, but apparently it happened to this woman in Kansas.

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/15578028/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=weird-news

If you don't want to read the entire story, the highlight is that a woman sat on the toilet for 2 years (that's not a typo), her skin grew to the seat, and her boyfriend only just realized that something
was wrong. You think?

This story just begs so many questions. The most obvious being why didn't the boyfriend think to call for help sooner? It says that he brought her food and water every day and asked her to come out of the bathroom. What was he serving her? Cream corn burritos and sugar water? Maybe he just figured that it was more convenient for her to stay there.

According the boyfriend she didn't want to leave the bathroom. So does that say more about him or her? How bad does your boyfriend have to be for the toilet to seem like a better option?

The police, it says, found her sitting on the toilet with her pants down. Well, thank goodness they included that detail. If she'd been sitting there all this time peeing in her shorts, well, that would just be weird. The good thing is, she didn't have to worry about having an accident, but I also wonder how someone wipes when their skin has grown to the seat and their legs have atrophied. Bet that never occurred to you, and yes, you're welcome for the visual.

Of course, there are the more mundane things in life that we have to wonder, too. Was she wearing the same clothes for two years? Did she bathe? The bathtub is right there. She could just splash some water on herself and flush the suds down the toilet. But what about shaving? All of those tiny shaved hairs on the floor. What a pain. I'm betting she came out there with more hair than me and an odor that had nothing to do with the toilet.

And you have to wonder, too. How do you sleep sitting on a toilet? Did she just rest her head on the toilet paper roll? Can you imagine one morning about 3 months into the deal she starts getting an attitude with her boyfriend because her pillow is too lumpy. "I told you to buy Charmin! This crap scratches my face." And he replies, "Careful, woman, or I'll put extra beans in your chili and that toilet paper will hurt more than just your face."

I just hope after all this that we don't find out it was a one bathroom home. Nobody wants to imagine how that would have worked.