Unexpected

Finally an episode that captured my attention in much the same way as the very first. With almost all of the plot lines intertwined, I'm not even sure how to write this post, but you know I'm going to do my best. Highlight below to read more.

First off, Mohinder and Sylar found another one of the heroes (I hate to call them that since they are obviously not all good, but I don't have a better collective name for them). This one was a woman named Dale which threw Mohinder for a bit of a loop at first. After a few moments of convincing, she finally confided that she had super hearing, and that she didn't want to lose it. Mohinder, the naïve little geek that he is, agreed to return with "Zane" (Sylar) the next day to run a few tests. Interestingly, Dale's blood was identified through the human genome project; I wonder if all of the others on Mohinder's list were identified the same way, and if so, does that imply that there may be more people with powers that did not participate in the project and remain unknown?

Sylar, of course, returned in the middle of the night and murdered Dale to take her power. Who didn't see that coming? That's what I thought. It seemed like Mohinder was getting a little suspicious of "Zane" when they arrived at the hotel, but that seemed to be mostly gone by the next morning. I wonder what will happen next since Mohinder seems determined to call the police and report Dale's murder and Sylar, of course, doesn't want to have anything to do with it. For a smart guy, Mohinder sure doesn't know much about what the police do to the guys that run from the scene.

Along another thread, Hiro and Ando were still separated; each with one half of a crooked gaming commission scheme. I've got to tell you that normally I enjoy the Hiro/Ando subplot, but this week it seemed really stale. I didn't catch any great lines, and I'm really tired of Hiro not having his power. The one great moment in this whole story was the cameo by Stan Lee as the bus driver.

Now for all the stuff that's intertwined. Matt still has the diamonds that he took off of his dead client, and in a brilliant move he gave a ring from that loot to his wife. This guy really used to be a cop? Did he not ever work a burglary? What was he thinking giving his wife stolen goods? Anyway, his wife, of course, innocently took it to the jeweler to get it sized and was informed that it was worth about $40,000 and he wanted to know how she got hold of it. You guessed it, another fight ensued between the husband and wife and resulted in Matt agreeing to take the diamonds to the station.

Before Matt could make his move, he got a call from Ted. Ted had met up with Hana Gitelman back in Nevada and the two of them were planning to invade PrimaTech paper to discover the truth about HRG and the experiments that were done on them. Before they could carry out their plan, though, Hana wanted to bring Matt on board. Matt met them both in the cemetery where Ted's wife was buried, and they obviously agreed to work together. The next scene they are in together is in Texas at HRG's house where they are taking the family hostage and looking for answers. I wonder how HRG will handle this? I wonder what we will find out next week about HRG's employer? I wonder how Matt explained needing to go on another trip? And I wonder what's going to happen to those diamonds?

Earlier, though, Claire had continued to notice issues with her mother's memory. At first, she didn't recognize Claire or Mr. Muggles, and then moments later she knew exactly who everyone was and seemed normal. That didn't last long, though, before she collapsed. In the hospital Claire took a chance on the doctor after the doctor assured her that anything she said would be held in the strictest confidence. Under those terms, Claire confided that the Haitian had been erasing her mom's memories. Naturally, the doctor said she would have to talk to HRG about that. What's the deal there? Didn't the doctor just promise confidentiality?

Of course, that sparked a conversation between Claire and HRG where she was finally able to tell him exactly what she knew and how she felt about it. She's really turned cold toward him, and I like it. The question, though, is what will happen with Ted, Matt, and Hana in the house? Will Claire side with them or with HRG?

But before any of that took place, HRG was in New York talking to Isaac. Poor Isaac has the best intentions of saving the world and winning back his girl, but he's working from a place of ignorance. He doesn't really know that he's being manipulated and he doesn't really understand HRG's game. Of course, neither do we, but at least we know that he's not interested in saving Peter. Anyway, Isaac informed HRG that Peter was invisible which then let HRG know that Claude was also still alive.

HRG found them on the roof of the Deveaux building and managed to take Claude down before attempting to hit Peter. Peter stopped the taser nodes before they could hit him, though. Now, right there, I'm sure that there's going to be some discussion over whether Peter just stopped the nodes or whether he stopped time. Leah, at first, said that he stopped time because he picked that up from Hiro, but I disagree for two reasons. One, if he had just stopped time, he would have had to move out of the way and the nodes would have kept moving toward the spot Peter had been in, and two, if he had stopped time, Claude would not have been breathing in real time while the nodes hovered in the air. I agree that Peter should have the ability to manipulate time since he was with Hiro, but I don't think that he realizes it yet.

Anyway, Peter was finally a pretty cool character. He was pretty much past the whining about his condition and into the using his powers. It was really cool when he broke the staff and even more cool when he flew with Claude. Finally, it was just awesome when he showed up in Isaac's studio to confront him about HRG and Simone. Although I didn't really care for Peter as a bad guy (and I don't think he's going to be bad; I think he was just angry), I really liked seeing him use his powers with confidence. Unfortunately, the one thing that both guys wanted walked in the door during the fight and Isaac ended up killing Simone. Of course, she could come back, the show already has two people that could travel in time, but I'm not sure if I want her to. I think it will be better for the Peter/Isaac dynamic for her to be dead.

Lastly, before Simone could show up at Isaac's apartment she had to stop and speak with Nathan. She encouraged him to go public and Nathan explained that that would not be a good idea. I wonder if he will feel the same way after he learns that she's dead? Or will that galvanize him to actually use his powers and at least admit to himself that they exist?

The Mile High Club

Back to the airlines again. Only this time I'm not interested in bashing security or anything like that. I just want to take a minute and examine that fantasy scene from many a movie where two people end up in the lavatory together and get jiggy while cruising at altitude.

I've flown many different times on many different planes, and the one thing that's been consistent about every one of those trips is that the lavatory is barely large enough to hold me, so I've often wondered how crazy in love (or lust) do you have to be in order to even contemplate trying to put two people in there together? I don't at all understand how they could fit, and even if they did figure out a way to fit, I really don't see how anyone that's not a part of Cirque du Soleil could really get any kind of physical enjoyment out of the experience (trying to keep it G rated here).

I figure it does happen in real life else there wouldn't be so many stories about it, but the couple would have to already be intimate, be wearing disposable shoes (your feet have to go somewhere, and you don't want to walk around with blue shoes the rest of the day), and be extremely flexible. As it turns out, though, my assumptions are incomplete.

If you're a celebrity flying to an STD awareness conference and you have no condoms available, it's magical. At least that's the impression I get from this article about Ralph Fiennes. According to many different news reports, Mr. Fiennes followed a flight attendant into the plane lavatory where they had an unprotected romantic encounter while he was on the way to participate in an STD awareness conference.

What's Mr. Fiennes going to say at the conference? I imagine something like, "All, I would just like to say that you should never have unprotected sex on an airplane, with a flight attendant. It's very risky and dangerous. As a matter of fact, I tried it on the way here just to be sure, and I nearly broke my neck and sprained my ankle just trying to get the job done."

And how did this happen in the first place? Maybe the flight attendant was walking by while Mr. Fiennes was reviewing his notes for the conference. She glanced over his shoulder at his reading material and said, "Hey, I've done that before. It wasn't as bad as they're making it out to be." To which Mr. Fiennes obviously replied, "Really. I'm not sure. Can you show me?"

I just wish I could be there when Mr. Fiennes gets back home and is hanging out with his celebrity buddies telling them about his latest conquest. I wonder how they would try to one-up him on this one.

The Mile High Club

Back to the airlines again. Only this time I'm not interested in bashing security or anything like that. I just want to take a minute and examine that fantasy scene from many a movie where two people end up in the lavatory together and get jiggy while cruising at altitude.

I've flown many different times on many different planes, and the one thing that's been consistent about every one of those trips is that the lavatory is barely large enough to hold me, so I've often wondered how crazy in love (or lust) do you have to be in order to even contemplate trying to put two people in there together? I don't at all understand how they could fit, and even if they did figure out a way to fit, I really don't see how anyone that's not a part of Cirque du Soleil could really get any kind of physical enjoyment out of the experience (trying to keep it G rated here).

I figure it does happen in real life else there wouldn't be so many stories about it, but the couple would have to already be intimate, be wearing disposable shoes (your feet have to go somewhere, and you don't want to walk around with blue shoes the rest of the day), and be extremely flexible. As it turns out, though, my assumptions are incomplete.

If you're a celebrity flying to an STD awareness conference and you have no condoms available, it's magical. At least that's the impression I get from this article about Ralph Fiennes. According to many different news reports, Mr. Fiennes followed a flight attendant into the plane lavatory where they had an unprotected romantic encounter while he was on the way to participate in an STD awareness conference.

What's Mr. Fiennes going to say at the conference? I imagine something like, "All, I would just like to say that you should never have unprotected sex on an airplane, with a flight attendant. It's very risky and dangerous. As a matter of fact, I tried it on the way here just to be sure, and I nearly broke my neck and sprained my ankle just trying to get the job done."

And how did this happen in the first place? Maybe the flight attendant was walking by while Mr. Fiennes was reviewing his notes for the conference. She glanced over his shoulder at his reading material and said, "Hey, I've done that before. It wasn't as bad as they're making it out to be." To which Mr. Fiennes obviously replied, "Really. I'm not sure. Can you show me?"

I just wish I could be there when Mr. Fiennes gets back home and is hanging out with his celebrity buddies telling them about his latest conquest. I wonder how they would try to one-up him on this one.

What Would Happen if a Man and a Shark Got in a Fight?

Remember when Jeffrey would come up with these crazy questions? We'd be driving down the road, and all of a sudden from the backseat you'd hear, "Michael, if a shark and a rattlesnake got into a fight, which would win?" Of course, my response was always something like, "Jeffrey, that couldn't happen. Everyone knows that the internal balance of hormones and enzymes in rattlesnakes would be completely upset by the introduction of ocean water into their respiratory system so that they were no longer able to properly process the atmospheric molecules necessary for life long before the rattlesnake ever met up with a shark." In other words, the rattlesnake would drown first and there'd be no fight (I've only learned brevity with age).

I saw this article today, and it reminded me of those questions. Now, before I read the article, I would have thought that a man and a shark in a fight would be interesting only for a short while. Those first few moments while the shark was toying with his prey and circling in the water would be reminiscent of a scene from Jaws and could produce some eerie tension. Right after that, though ,the victim (the man was never really a competitor in this fight) would lose an arm, a leg, or some other appendage, then he would start swimming around in circles like an out of control jet ski, and the shark would finish his meal and cruise off to let things digest. No drama, no fight, just another day in the ocean.

Having read this article, I must admit that my vision of the way this plays out was obviously missing one critical piece: Vodka. Apparently, when a guy drinks enough vodka, he'll start to think that it's a good idea to try and fight a shark, something that no sober man would ever really consider. And once he's crossed that threshold, he might even believe that he can win the fight. Fueled with this hope, a nearby shark to pick on, and a healthy serving of vodka don't forget, the guy in our article actually wrestled and caught a bronze whaler shark barehanded!

The article says that he suffered only small tear marks in his trousers, but I'm betting that if he's married his wife made up for that with the beating she gave him for being so dense. Is it possible that this guy also enjoys snorkeling in rodent infested waters? One has to wonder if he's not at least related to someone in Oregon.

The best part of the whole article almost goes without saying: the guy realized that what he did was not too bright after he sobered up. You think! And you just can't pass up this quote, "When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, 'I'm a bit of an idiot doing it'." Nah, an idiot would have gotten himself killed, this guy was definitely smart about it. Most people wouldn't have thought to anesthetize themselves before fighting a shark.

Valentine’s Day

This is for the guys. If you're a girl, read on at your own risk. You might get mad at me. You might think I'm a pig. You might not understand. But I know all the guys that have ever been in any kind of romantic relationship will get me.

So, I'm in trouble. I totally forgot that it is Valentine's Day when I rolled out of bed at 6am this morning, and now my wife is irritated. Of course, I don't really see the big deal. I'm lucky to remember to put on a shirt most mornings, and I have trouble getting my shoes on the right feet, so how is forgetting that it's Valentine's Day a big surprise worthy of irritation?

Personally, I really dislike Valentine's Day on the premise that I'm a loving, romantic guy all year long and to try and force it out of me on a single day is just not going to work well. How romantic is it really to get chocolate or flowers on Valentine's Day? They already know that it's coming. I think the romance of flowers and chocolate is defined by the amount of care and surprise that can be packaged with it, not the forcefulness of the FTD ads that say I'm a bad person for not buying those things today. Don't you agree?

It's like in Caci's post the other day about getting flowers at school because she'd been having a rough few weeks. That was romantic. Good job, Ben. The question is, would it have been so romantic if she had known about or expected the flowers? No way!

If I get flowers for my wife every day, she'll start to expect them and the romance will be lost. It would just be another bouquet of flowers; she might even get bored with them. Basically, what I'm driving at, guys is that the romance of giving flowers and gifts is defined by all the days that we didn't buy them anything. If you really want to be romantic on Valentine's, ignore your wife all day long and surprise her with flowers tomorrow.

Besides, everything will be on clearance by then anyway.

The views expressed in this article are intended solely for humorous purposes and do not reflect my deepest affection and love for my beautiful caring wife, the greatest mother and woman in the world. I really don't have any intention of ignoring her all day long not only because I love her so dearly, but also because I fear that I might catch a bad case of hypothermia if I had to sleep outside tonight.

Run!

I think last night's episode was one of the best so far. Highlight below to read more:

Finally, we got an episode that wasn't centered around the questions of, "why do I have these powers?" or "what do I do with this power?" or "how do I use this power?" Finally, we got an episode where the central story was just two characters using their powers. Matt Parkman working as a security guard used his telepathy to protect his charge and Jessica used her power to try and kill him. It was great, and if they continue to just use Jessica as an assassin, she might actually be worth keeping around. I'm just glad that there was very little whining from Niki about her sad, sad life. I much prefer Jessica if the character has to stay on the show.

Back in Texas, HRG and Claire are getting ready to go to blows, I think. Did you hear the sass she put in her voice when she reminded him that her mother was also having trouble with memory loss. She seemed to not even be afraid anymore to let him know that she's onto his whole do something evil then reboot everyone's mind plan. The sad part is that her mother (adopted) really is going crazy now, and it's probably the result of too many reboots.

The even worse part, though, is that Claire is being scammed by her birth mother. "He's going to pay us $50,000, and you're entitled to half." It makes me wonder what is her real angle? Of course, Claire was only interested in meeting her biological father, but her mother put the brakes on that, too. Too bad Claire couldn't see Nathan's face when he looked at the pic of her. I wonder if she'd have seen the same two things that I saw: sadness over not knowing her and recognition that she's the cheerleader Peter was trying to save. Little did Peter know that it was his niece. Cool!

Hiro and Ando, as usual, were fun, but I am starting to tire of the quest for the sword. I'm ready for Hiro to get his power back and become the man that tells Peter to save the cheerleader. It was awesome, though, when Hiro told Ando, "Stop saying things that I say to you." That was classic! Too bad that Ando was so easily swayed, though. You could tell that he knew Hiro would never have just left him, but I guess he's been single long enough that it only took one kiss to redirect his focus. So now Hiro is in the hands of a presumably corrupt gaming commission officer and Ando is in the hands of the officer's corrupt partner. How is this going to play out?

Lastly, Mohinder seems to have been fooled by Sylar, who now has another pretty cool ability. I'm not sure about how useful the ability is, but it's pretty cool. The surprising thing to me is that Mohinder didn't recognize Sylar. I would have thought that Chandra would have taken a picture of Sylar early on in the process. He seemed to be fanatical about documentation and he's got pics of several of the others, why not Sylar? Or maybe Sylar stole the photo after he killed Chandra? Unknown, but Mohinder at least has a file on him because he and Eden discussed it earlier in the season. I'm hoping that Mohinder does recognize him and is just playing along to save his own skin.

That's about all for this episode, but it's not all of the update that I have. Remember when I told you a few weeks back that I called the number for Primatech Paper that was on the business card HRG gave to Mohinder? Well, I also visited the website and applied for a job. I've gotten a few emails from them since that time letting me know that they accepted my application and that they would be sending more information soon. Today, though, I got the first email that had any kind of meat to it.

The message was actually from Hana Gitelman (aka Wireless). She's the girl that was chatting with Ted in the desert during the special scene that aired during Deal or no Deal. Her message told me to find the helix and then gave me a username and password to use after I found it. I found the helix hidden in the Primatech logo on the About page of the website. When you click on it, you're prompted for a username and password. If you try it, the username is "bennet" and the password is "claire". Once you key that in, the page will change and then a few seconds later it will change again to show files for people HRG is tracking.

There are four files listed. The username is "bennet," and each one has its own password:

C3001 is the file on Hana Gitelman. Password: HGghx11a

C3002 is the file on Matt Parkman. Password: MPggtn75x

C3003 is the file on Ted Sprague. Password: TSntz14b

C3004 is the file on Gabriel Gray (aka Sylar). Password: GGeh81zu

You can get all of these from Hana Gitelman's site at http://www.samantha48616e61.com/

Interestingly, if you read the files on these characters and Hana's website, you find that Hana was trained by HRG in manner similar to that of Sydney Bristow. She was recruited and trained to believe that she was working for the CIA, but when things got tough, HRG hung her out to dry. Now, she's trying to find out who he really is. We also learn that HRG doesn't want Sylar killed. He wants him recaptured for further study. Hana wants Ted to help her find Matt so that they can all go down to Primatech together to see what's really going on. Finally, HRG wants to locate Matt's wife so that they can run tests on the embryo to see if any abilities are going to be passed along. Interesting stuff that hints at things we might see in future episodes.

Snorkeling in Oregon

From Eugene, Oregon, the former residence of Aunt Sis (our temporary live-in nanny) comes a news story that is great on too many levels. Read the full article at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17091607/, but enjoy my take on it first.

John Cheesman thought it was going to be just another day enjoying his hobby of snorkeling in rodent infested waters looking for various species of fish. What could possibly go wrong? Well, you could get shot in the head. That would pretty much end the day for me. Before reading any further, let me just point out that I don't think it's funny when people get shot in the head.

It is funny, though, when you're wife says that the reason you survived is that the bullet shattered when it hit your dense skull. Seriously! How many times over the years did she get mad at him for being SO dense? How many times did she try to "get something through that thick skull?" I guess now she's seeing the silver lining.

Again, it's not funny when people get shot in the head. It is funny, though, when the guy doing the shooting mistook you for a nutria. If you don't know, a nutria is basically a huge swimming rat. Essentially this tells me that the victim was in serious need of a back waxing. When you appear to be a swimming rodent with a wet pelt, you've got some hair growth issues. Can't people get that through their thick skulls?

Really, it's not funny when people get shot in the head. But I can't help stating the obvious, "DUH!" that follows the police reporting that the shooter was on drugs. Apparently they arrested him for methamphetamine and marijuana, and I'm betting there's more that they just didn't find.

Seriously, I don't think it's funny for people to get shot in the head, and we should all be careful to not go snorkeling in rat infested waters with a pelt on our backs when drugged up felons with rifles are hanging around. It could be more dangerous than you think.

Eleven Years Later

Leah and I just celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary this past weekend. Aunt Sis gave us the night off from the kids on Saturday, so we got a hotel in downtown Dallas and enjoyed a taste of freedom. I found us a hotel in downtown that is a renovated building modeled in a European style. So, even though the room was pretty small by Western standards, Leah really liked the European feel.

After dinner at Bob's Steak and Chop House, we found a Starbucks and enjoyed some coffee together, and then we spent a while just driving around downtown at night. It was pretty nice. Before long, though, we found a parking area and got out to walk around a little. This is important: I put the required $5 in the unattended box; Leah and I both double-checked the parking slot that I was in; and Leah (being more familiar with downtown Dallas than I) explained how to fold the money so it would fit in the box. More on that later.

So, we walked around a little and found out that Dallas has a Coyote Ugly bar. Have you ever see the show on TV where they are trying to find new bartenders for Coyote Ugly? I don't really get into reality TV, but I've seen part of one episode. They weren't hiring for the Dallas location. As a matter of fact, it was borderline false advertising. On the other hand, though, the name of the bar is Coyote Ugly, so what do you expect?

By the way, if you don't already know, Coyote Ugly is apparently a term used for the girl that looked "good enough" when you were drunk, but when you're sober the next morning and you're arm is under her, you'd rather gnaw your arm off (like a coyote gnawing off his leg to escape a trap) than wake her. I wouldn't know from personal experience, but they say that's where the bar got its name.

Leah and I did go in, though, just to say we'd been in a Coyote Ugly, and we felt really out of place. We weren't wearing nearly enough leather and chains and neither of us rides a Harley. We sat at the bar for a few minutes, though, and watched the people. There were several clumps of people in the place and this one guy just wandering around the room by himself. Well, after a bit we were ready to go, and Leah got up to use the restroom before we left. Here's the part that I'll probably regret telling you, but it's pretty funny: Not two seconds after she got up, this wandering guy grabs her barstool and sits next to me. I didn't notice at first, but I turned that direction and there he was. He says, "Hey, man, how's it going?" And not in a gruff manly voice, if you catch my drift.

If I was out of place; this guy was like being from another planet in this joint, and how is it that I can go in a borderline biker bar that's known for scantily clad bartenders and patrons dancing on the bar (none of which happened while we were there) – basically, a man's kind of place just this side of a stripper bar – and get hit on by another guy? Don't think that didn't bring my self confidence down. Poor Leah had to stroke my ego and tell me how manly and strong I am for the next hour.

So, we walked a little more and ended up standing in line for a dance club called Purgatory. While standing there, one of the doormen came out and addressed the crowd saying that if you had on athletic gear, baggy clothing, or any kind of tennis shoes you might as well get out of line because they were not going to let you in. They weren't going to argue about it, they weren't going to make exceptions, they weren't letting you in. About that time I notice the guy just in front of us in line. He's got on a jersey from his favorite basketball team, pants so baggy it's a wonder they were staying up, and high-top tennis shoes. How does a person get dressed and violate every section of their dress code policy at once? Pretty amazing.

After we danced a bit, we headed back to the truck. Guess what I found there? A parking ticket. It just says that I failed to follow the instructions on a sign, but I have no idea which sign I missed. I've got to call them in a bit and find out why I'm being charged $30 on top of the $5 that I already paid, but I really wonder if I didn't just fund someone's late night McDonald's habit with my first $5. Lesson learned: avoid unattended lots; there's no way to prove that you actually paid.

Next morning, we went out for a nice breakfast and returned home to find that the children and Aunt Sis had wallpapered the door to the house with notes describing their adventures. For example, we read things like: "Reagan won the food fight," and "Dixie doesn't really like taffy," and "Is four bowls of cereal too much?" It was really funny, and the kids enjoyed putting them together. Overall, we had a great weekend, and we were very thankful for Aunt Sis giving us a night off on our anniversary.

Distractions

A pretty good episode that seems to create more questions than it answers. See notes below:

First things first: As I said last week, Melissa has been right about Peter absorbing powers. Aside from the fact that I still disagree about where he picked up his pre-cog abilities, I have to give her credit for calling his abilities correctly. What a scene, too. Claude just tossed him straight off the building hoping that he would fly and probably not realizing that he could regenerate if he didn’t fly. Obviously, Claude is a few matches short of a book. And interestingly, HRG knows who Claude is. Seems like they are the ones that Claude is hiding from, so maybe that’s part of why he’s a little off center.

Isaac has been trying to find Peter so that he can save the world, but then we find out that he’s really colluding with HRG. So, is it really altruistic, or what? I don’t think Isaac really understands the part that he’s playing in this game yet, and I don’t think that HRG wants Peter just to keep him from exploding.

Sylar escaped and didn’t kill HRG. That leads me to believe that HRG doesn’t have any special powers because Sylar generally kills those that have powers. On the other hand, he killed the cheerleader without really realizing that she had none, so obviously I don’t completely understand what he’s up to. And it looks like next week he’s going to team up with Mohinder to help “find” the heroes. Creepy.

Honestly, though, ladies, would you have asked a crazy looking weirdo like Sylar to stay for dinner simply because he supposedly found your dog in the street. Does that man not just reek of psycho stalker? Wouldn’t you have said you were going to call your husband and really be dialing 911? That just seemed like some incredibly lame writing to me.

And how did HRG escape from his cell. Did Haitian man just happen along at the right time and let him loose? Of course, now Claire knows that her adopted mom has been rebooted once again, so I'm sure she's suspicious about what really happened while she was gone.

Claire found her mom and found out that her mom can start fires. Additionally, we found out that Nathan is Claire’s real father. Do you think that HRG knows that? I wonder if that’s why he tried to take Nathan from the hotel and left Niki alone. We can only assume that the reason Claire’s real mom has been on the run is to get/stay away from HRG. What’s she going to do when she finds out that he’s the man Claire calls Dad? That should be an interesting episode.

Niki got herself locked up in a mirror so that Jessica could get out of jail. What a crappy story line. And the DA dropped the charges simply because some DNA evidence turned up on a hardened criminal that was already on death row. Mr. Linderman must have quite a hold on the world to pull that kind of snow job or scare tactic. My question, though, is why does Linderman want Jessica released. She’s already wasted a ton of his guys, wouldn’t he think that she’ll just come after him next? I don’t see how this plays to his advantage unless he believes that he can get her to work for him.

Matt wasn’t in this episode at all which was just as good. He needs to figure out what he’s going to do about not having a job with the police or FBI anymore and how he’s going to raise his partner’s kid.

Which brings us to Hiro and Ando. Hiro pulled a nice little job on his father with his sister, and Ando had to go home without even a hug. Did anyone else notice that the license plate on his father’s car was “NCC 1701”? That’s the ship number of the Enterprise, for that may not get the inside joke. I thought it was a nice little homage to George Takei’s most famous role (Sulu). Too bad the painting got torn. I wonder how they will deal with that when they get to Linderman.

All in all, a pretty good episode.

Greased Lightning

We have some funny sayings in our culture, and I wonder sometimes about not only origins but also about how they could be envisioned in the real world. Perhaps it’s the result of a project we did back in fifth grade where my teacher (Mrs. Templin – the best teacher I ever had and also my aunt) had us draw some of these sayings. For example, some drew a brick with a beard and little piece of brick next to it to mean, “chip off the old block.” I suppose you could move that forward to nowadays and draw one of J-Lo’s old boyfriends (“Chip off the old block” since she’s just “Jenny from the Block”) but anyway. The one that comes to my mind today is “greased lightning.”

I don’t really know why you want to put grease on lightning, but an educationally responsible kid in Westerville, Ohio decided to take Mrs. Templin’s project to the next level. He didn’t want to just draw a picture of a colloquialism. He wanted to live it out.

According to the news reports, an eighteen year old student at Westerville North High School greased himself with oil to try and elude capture as he ran naked and screaming through the school cafeteria. As if cafeteria lunch wasn’t bad enough, now the other students have to endure the horror of seeing a naked kid covered in greasy oil running around while they try to eat. Unfortunately, for the student this is also the part where he got to be his own visual aid as the officer monitoring the lunch period used his taser not once but twice to stun the student. Greased lightning!

I always thought it was supposed to mean “fast,” but this kid was definitely not living that dream. Once the lightning was inserted into the equation this otherwise slow kid stopped completely. Maybe the lightning interacted with the grease in some strange way and had the opposite effect of what we would expect. One thing is for sure, though, in Ohio “greased lightning” should have a whole new meaning.

For example, if you were trying to tell someone about your drive home from work, you could say that it was like greased lightning: it went okay at first but then I hit a jam and everyone just stopped.

Or you could describe that birthday party for the kid next door that you had to attend. Getting through those two hours was like greased lightning. At first we were all running around the Chuck E. Cheese like lunatics, and then the tokens ran out. I thought my head was going to explode.

Try incorporating it into your daily speech pattern and we’ll see if it will catch on.

By the way, you can read the news report at http://www.nbc5i.com/news/10879220/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=nationalnews

The Fix

The story really didn’t move too much in this episode, but hopefully they are setting us up for a good show next week. Highlight below to see more detailed notes:

Niki/Jessica….still don’t care. Although, I thought it was interesting that Micah is now a criminal, too. I guess that’s what parental influence can do for you.

Peter is still confused, and so am I at this point. What in the world could this new guy, Claude, teach him? And why does Claude talk like he knows a lot of the heroes? There are only 36 names on the list, so how many could Claude have possibly taught?

While on the subject of Peter, it seems that Melissa is right about Peter absorbing powers based on what Mohinder said about him being like a sponge. On the other hand, though, that doesn’t explain why his ability to use the powers fades when he’s not around the person that he absorbed from. He couldn’t fly at all by himself, but he did twice when Nathan was around. He quit being invisible when Claude walked away. He healed himself shortly after Claire walked off, but I’ll be he wouldn’t be able to do it again now unless she came back around. Maybe he has to be around someone for a long time to absorb enough of their power to use it on his own? Or maybe the powers are only triggered when the original owner is around? I don’t know. I think the writers need to clarify this some more.

Nathan still can’t decide what to make of all this. Last week I thought we were moving forward and that he was finally going to embrace the fact that he can fly and that others have similar powers. This week he’s back to denying everything and wanting to “fix” Peter. Somebody needs to make up their mind about this character and move it forward.

Claire is in trouble. I think HRG recognized the wind chime outside her window and now knows that she’s in cahoots with the Haitian. I wonder what he’ll do about that. I think he genuinely loves Claire and wants to protect her, so I think it’ll all come down on the Haitian. Maybe the Haitian will make him forget about the wind chime and all will be rosy.

HRG is in trouble of his own, though. Sylar is not dead and he’s got HRG cornered. I feel sure that HRG won’t be killed, but maybe Sylar will force him to explain his actions a little more so that we can get a clearer picture of what’s going on at PrimaTech Paper.

BTW, I called the number off the card that HRG gave Mohinder last week. It was just a recording saying that you reached PrimaTech Paper and that you could enter an access code. Since we didn’t see a shot of the access code that HRG gave Mohinder, I don’t have one to enter. If you choose “3” from the menu, though, it will give you a code to use online at http://www.primatechpaper.com. If you’re interested, the number is 1-800-PRIMA16.

Also, Claire seems to have found her birth mother. The one short clip of her left no question as to why the apartment burned down. She was probably trying to save her daughter from HRG and set the place ablaze with her fingers. Now, I wonder who the father turns out to be. I read an article about a month ago that was an interview with Greg Grunberg (Matt Parkman) where he said that he and Claire would have a very interesting connection. Could this be what he was talking about? I guess we’ll have to find out next week.

Finally, Hiro and Ando. The “Big Boss” is Hiro’s dad? So, is Hiro embarrassing him or something? Or does his dad know about the heroes, too? Interesting stuff. And I loved it when the subtitled: “GULP!”

What Would You Do?

A coworker of mine just told me about a situation at home that needed attending. I won’t name anyone here by name because other coworkers may be reading, but I will tell you that the irony of the situation is that at end of this day my coworker will want nothing more than a nice, stiff drink and there won’t be anything to slake the thirst. Let’s see if I can reimagine the dialog that led up this situation:

Coworkers Son (CS): Yo, buddy! How’s it hangin’? You kickin’ it real? Rollin’ it tight in da hood?

[Don’t imagine ethnicity here, you’d probably be wrong. I’m just trying to emulate “cool lingo”]

Son’s Friend (SF): Yeah. That’s right.

CS: Know what, man? I got this crazy teach in second period that’s always blabbing stuff about wars, dead people, and the old days.

SF: Yeah, dog. I got the same chick for third period. I can’t hardly handle sitting in that class.

CS: You know what I need? I just need something to take the edge off; to help me get through the day.

SF: I tell ya, man. You right. Ever since I got into ninth grade I’ve started hitting the vodka and Red Bull pretty hard. You got any of that around here?

CS: Vodka and Red Bull? That’s so seventh grade. You need the real stuff. Let me get you a C&C.

SF: Yo! If my mom found out, she’d kill me. Can you get me one now?

CS: Now? The bus is on the way.

SF: It’s cool man. I can drink it fast.

CS: Alright, but I hate for you to drink alone. I’ll pour myself one, too.

[Drinks are poured and chugged]

SF: Dude! That was awesome! Get me another. We got time.

CS: Yeah! Now I can’t figure out why my parents won’t let me drink this stuff all the time. (hiccup)

[More drinks are poured and chugged]

SF: You know what? You know what? You know what? We ought to just skip school today.

CS: Nah. I gggot that test in aaaalgebbbbra….haha, I said bbbra, and I cccan’t mmmmissss it. (hiccup)

SF: You can’t take a test now. You can’t take a test now. Did you just hear an echo? (BRAAAAP)

CS: SSSSurre I ccccan! I ccccould cccconquer the wwwworld tttoday! Gggget me another ddddrink!

SF: Listen to me. Listen to me. If you’re going to school we’ll have to leave now. You can’t have. You can’t have. You can’t have another drink.

CS: Ssssure I ccccan. Ppppput it in your bbbbbbackpack and I’ll hhhhhave it on the bbbbbbus. (BURP!)

SF: Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Kids leave with liquor and stagger to bus stop and after having a few more drinks arrive at school]

Principal (P): Good morning boys. How are you feeling today?

CS: Gggreat! And by the wwway, I must say that you are looking scorching hot today. Wanna make out?

SF: Yeah, baby! Let’s get it on!

P: Boys! Is everything okay? You seem to be a little woozy.

CS: Naw! It’s all ccccool. Never felt bbbbbetter. Gotta run, sssssexy! I’ll be back after this ccccclass.

SF: I’ll keep you company. I’ll keep you company, baby.

P: Boys, I think we need to call your parents. Come with me.

CS: What’s up wwwwith that? I gggggotta go to ccccclass?

SF: That’s right. That’s right.

P: Well, your class is not in the ladies rest room, and no one’s called me hot or sexy for a couple of decades, so something is definitely not right. Get in my office and wait for your parents.

Sure, I’m making up the dialog, but they really hit the liquor cabinet before school, and they took the liquor with them to school. Unbelievable! As it turns out, the school doesn’t take kindly to kids arriving intoxicated, and they are even less accepting of kids toting hard liquor, so the boys were sent home for a few days to “sleep it off” (aka suspended). I’m just glad that they aren’t old enough to drive or this story could have been really ugly rather than somewhat humorous.

Godsend

Finally, a new episode of Heroes to write about. It seems like it’s been forever since the show went on hiatus, so I was really surprised that my expectations had not built up to a point as to make this latest episode a disappointment. On the contrary, I really enjoyed it, and I felt like it covered a lot of ground. Highlight below to read more:

I still don’t see much point in the Niki/Jessica character. As impressed as I was that she snapped a guard’s baton like it was a toothpick, I still felt relieved when she got doped, put in a straightjacket, and tossed in a padded cell. Too bad she’s not dead.

What’s the deal with D.L., though? Why is he still bringing Micah around? For that matter, why is he bringing himself around to see Niki? The woman tried to kill him, and for all he knows (actually, he even implied it) she’s just plain crazy. That doesn’t really seem like a very safe environment for either him or his kid. I’d run like the wind, if it were me.

Claire obviously didn’t forget what happened, and now she’s getting fearful of HRG (Mr. Bennett aka Horn Rimmed Glasses). Good for her. And I really enjoyed the fact that she got to have a little conversation with the Haitian. Seems like he might be trying to subvert the efforts of HRG, though, so she better be careful. I think she’s just a pawn to him that can be used against HRG. Finally, I thought it was great that Claire started over with Zack and that he knows her secret again. Hopefully, he’ll keep it this time around, too. I just wonder if HRG knew that Claire had enlisted Zack to video her powers the first time around, what makes us think that he doesn’t know this time as well. And will that be dangerous for both of them?

HRG himself alluded more this week to the fact that he’s working for someone else. We just need to figure out who it is, and how do they know so much? Of course, as was revealed in his conversation with Mohinder, it seems that Chandra knew more than they did. So, who else is on the list, and what does HRG want to do with it?

Next up, Matt knows that HRG is up to something. I don’t really understand why the SWAT team couldn’t find any secret rooms, though. Seems like when they were looking at the blueprints and planning their assault, they would have noticed either a big difference between the physical footprint of the building and the plans or they would have seen the plans for the room. Unless it’s underground, but it’s always seemed to be on the ground level in past episodes where they’ve shown HRG and Eden entering.

Speaking of Eden. Sylar killed her at the paper factory, so why was her body found outside of Ottawa or Ontario or wherever they said in Canada? How did HRG manage to get her body up there to dump it and make it look like a suicide? And once Sylar killed Eden, he had her power and her gun, so how did HRG get him back in his cell and doped up on all those drugs?

Peter finally woke up, but I still don’t understand exactly what the deal is there. He’s trying to get to Nevada, which makes me think that either he believes he’s going to explode anyway, so he wants to be in the desert when it happens, or he knows that Ted Sprague is in the desert and he wants to find him. I’m betting on the former since his dreams never showed Ted. What’s the deal with the bum on the street, though? I get that he’s invisible, but why does Peter think that he can help?

And one more thing. What the heck was Ted doing in the desert anyway? Is he trying to learn to control his powers? Or his trying to learn to increase them?

And now everyone’s favorite: Hiro. They’ve made it to New York, and Hiro’s English is getting much better. I love the way that they worked in the painting of him with the dinosaur without having to time travel, and I’m glad that we finally found out what the symbol that keeps showing up everywhere means: Godsend. The question now becomes, how did it get on the sword? It seems to be tied to the heroes in that the Haitian wears it around his neck, Jessica has it tattooed on her shoulder (but Niki doesn’t, go figure), Isaac paints it, etc. So why is it on an ancient sword? Is it some sort of time travel paradigm where the symbol is on the sword because it’s a sword for Hiro, but Hiro ends up leaving it in the past to protect it or something? And is the guy that wielded it in the past also a hero? Or was that guy our Hiro but he just hasn’t traveled back to live that part of his life yet? Or maybe, and this is really reaching, that guy is Mr. Linderman, and he has the sword because it’s really his and it helps lengthen his gift of long life. Am I way out there now?

It was pretty cool, though, that Hiro, Isaac, Nathan, and Simone are all together now. Nathan is still trying to hide his power, but I didn’t get much bad guy vibe from him in this episode. I think he really wants to help Peter, and I think that he’s starting to understand that he and Peter are not the only ones with abilities. Simone sure seemed to turn around quickly, too, when Hiro started telling his and Ando’s story. Guess it sucks to be Peter right now because he just got dropped like a hot biscuit.

The Summit

I just started a new blog to coincide with a Bible Reading Plan that our church is sponsoring called "The Summit." I hope to be able to stay on track with the readings and post to the new site daily. Please check it out at http://michaelsummit.blogspot.com

You Are Now Free to Move About the Country

I really enjoy posting thing that I find amusing, and I hope that you all get a good laugh as well. The problem is that I haven’t been very inspired the past few weeks to post anything. Caci would say that she’s proud of me for actually getting some work done, but I know that the rest of you would rather that I continued to slack off at work so that I could put some new items of interest out on my site. Amazingly, today the tide has turned.

I’m still not slacking off at work, but I did just run across this news article (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16673691/) about a nine year old boy that managed to fly from Seattle to Phoenix and then to San Antonio before he was stopped. Even more amazing is that he never bought a ticket. So we know a couple of things right off:

1. He’s not a student from Caci’s class trying to get back home; way too smart.
2. The airport officials he came into contact with may have been student’s from Caci’s class before she started teaching; they missed the benefits of taking things to the next level (words and sentences in reading).
3. Southwest Airlines is serious when they say, “You are now free to move about the country,” in their ads.

I’ve already posted on here before that the whole security process at the airport is a sham anyway that basically helps the airline provide jobs and allows them to politely force you to do things a certain way. It’s obviously not designed for security otherwise it wouldn’t be so easy to bypass. I never imagined, though, that it was so easy that a nine year old could do it, and that really brings up a couple of key questions: Is this nine year old just really smart? Or is it really that easy?

Either way, you’ve got to assume that someone who can build a bomb out of the leftover gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe and detonate it with a cell phone is smarter than this nine year old. And you know what the kicker is? They said that they stopped him because he didn’t have a good story when they asked about his papers. That just implies that if he’d planned a little better he wouldn’t have been stopped at all. Do you think that you could come up with a better story than a nine year old?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to everyone! As I posted before, we were able to enjoy a nice break with the family, and we’re all geared up to start 2007. Being a somewhat religious (I say somewhat because I like to distinguish between being religious and being Christian) guy, I must say that I’m a little concerned about how 2007 is going to shape up. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Pat Robertson has made dire predictions for the upcoming year. Check out the full article here.

According to Pat, “God told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in ‘mass killing’ late in 2007,” the article reports. Now this puts me in a little bit of a conundrum. According to the Bible that I dearly believe, God has behaved this way in our past, and since God is outside of time, it’s reasonable to assume that He could still behave this way today. Specifically, the He would communicate directly to a human, and use that person to foretell future events. On the other hand, I don’t really believe that Pat Robertson is a prophet.

Let’s take a look at the evidence and see if I’m way off base by examining past prophecy by Mr. Roberston:

· 2004
o Prophecy: President Bush will easily win re-election.
o Outcome: Bush won 51 percent of the vote and won the election.
· 2005
o Prophecy: Bush will have victory after victory in his second term, will nominate conservative judges to federal courts, and Bush’s Social Security reform proposals will be approved.
o Outcome: John Roberts and Samuel Alito were confirmed to the Supreme Court, and the Social Security initiative was stalled.
· 2006
o Prophecy: God punished Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians and storms and possibly a tsunami will crash into America’s coastline.
o Outcome: I doubt that the medical report listed “hand of God” as the cause of Sharon’s stroke, and it rained in New England.
· 2007
o Prophecy: Terrorist attack will result in “mass killings” late in 2007.
o Outcome: Unknown.

When it’s laid out like this, it seems to me that his success is on the decline. He started strong with Bush winning re-election, then followed that up with two victories and Supreme Court judges (a twofer), but it started going south with Social Security, and last year seems just a bit embarrassing. Should I feel bad for not believing, though?

What if he’s the real deal, and I’m making fun of him? Would that be the same as all of those people that made fun of Noah? I don’t know, but I would think that prophecies handed down from the Lord would correct more than 50 percent of the time, and I really have to believe that someone that’s really getting a message from God wouldn’t say, “I have a relatively good track record. Sometimes I miss.”

Sometimes you miss? If the message is from God, doesn’t that imply that sometimes God misses? And how could that be possible? I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, so perhaps this is just a test. Perhaps He wants to see if we’ll believe His prophet even when the prophet is wrong, and if that’s the case, then I guess I just don’t have enough faith. As far as 2007 goes, though, I’m not planning to build a bomb shelter or anything just because Pat Robertson says it’s going to get rough.

I’m determined to have a Happy New Year, and I hope you are, too!

Christmas 2006

No white Christmas for us this year. So far, I’ve only had one of those in my entire life, and I’m not complaining. Unlike the Colorado branch of the family, Christmas here in Texas was relatively uneventful.

We celebrated Christmas with Dad and Lynn earlier in the month since they were going to Utah to spend Christmas day with Lynn’s family. Caci, her family, and Jeffrey were all there as well and we enjoyed eating and visiting together for a few hours. The kids, of course, enjoyed seeing their cousins and receiving gifts. We even got to finish the day off with a trip to see a model home built in the same floor plan as the new home that Dad and Lynn are building. They’ll be living just across the highway and railroad tracks in a new part of the neighborhood Leah and I live in. I think it’ll be cool to have them closer.

The Friday before Christmas, we headed out to Mother’s to celebrate Christmas with her and Logan. The kids couldn’t hardly stand to wait until Saturday morning to open their presents, but they made it through the night. It seems like they all got a game of one kind or another from Mom, and we spent the next little while playing each of them in turn until it was time to get ready for Brin’s wedding.

Since we happened to be in town that weekend for Christmas, we got the added bonus of attending Brin’s wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony, and the church was completely packed. There were literally not any seats left in the building. Afterward, we went to the reception at the Country Music Hall of Fame and enjoyed some good food and visiting until fairly late in the evening.

The next morning, we had to leave early to get back to Plano to work and attend Christmas Eve services at our church. The girls’ favorite part is lighting the candles, and so far the building hasn’t gone up in smoke, so I’d say they handle them pretty well. As always, we went out to eat after the last service of the evening and meandered through our neighborhood looking at Christmas lights on our way back to our house.

The kids were up at about 3am, just like every year, and they came to get me out of bed to look at everything Santa left for them. As I promise every year, I got up that once to look, and then I went back to bed. The kids brought their pillows and blankets downstairs and all piled onto the couch together to sit in front of the Christmas awaiting 6am so that they could wake Leah and me up to open presents. Thankfully, for me, they fell asleep again and didn’t get up until almost 7am.

When Abbie came in my room, I looked at my clock and it read 6:57am, and then she pleading asked, “When are you going to get up? I’ve been waiting on you since 6:54am.” I guess three minutes is an eternity to kids looking at a pile of goodies from Santa.

After all the gifts were exchanged and opened, I made our traditional French toast breakfast for Christmas morning, and we started getting ready for Leah’s family. They generally come over to visit on Christmas afternoon and have lunch with us. It was a pleasant visit, and the kids received yet even more toys. I don’t know where we are going to put everything.

And just about the time that Leah’s family was leaving, Aunt Sis arrived home. She’s moved in with us now; living in a corner bedroom and bathroom of our upstairs. We had a nice Christmas dinner with her that evening, and then I went to bed exhausted.

Gender Testing

Until just now, I had no idea that there was even such a thing as gender testing. Even more amazing, though, I had no idea that one could fail a gender test. It's not that unthinkable that someone would fail a math test, spelling test, or even a driving test (I did that once upon a time myself), but a gender test? How exactly do you fail a gender test?

According to a recent article from BBC News (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6188775.stm) an Indian woman (?) athlete managed to do just that. The article says that she has been stripped of her silver medal (among other things in the name of this test) from the Asian Games. Amazingly, this is not the first gender test that she has been through. She passed one at the Asian track and field championship in South Korea last year where she also won silver.

So what's different this time? Did she forget to study? Was this an essay test instead of the multiple choice exam they gave in South Korea? Did she just not get a good breakfast? They always say to eat a good breakfast before you take a major exam.

Details on the test itself are rather sketchy in the article, but they did point out that it involved a gynecologist, an endocrinologist, and a psychologist. Now, I can see where the first two of those are pretty objective about the parts and pieces and how they work, but I wonder how the psychologist plays into the mix. I imagine that they ask deeply probing questions like:

1. Shopping is…
   
   1. A fascinating experience that is even better when shared.
      
   2. A method used to extract secrets from terrorists.
      
2. What does "nothing is wrong" mean?
   
   1. Start guessing and apologizing or I'll kill you in your sleep.
      
   2. Oh crap.
      
3. The best time for sex is…
   
   1. When your mood and your schedule are right.
      
   2. Do you wanna? I've got a few minutes.
      
4. When you observe a man doing a simple task, you think…
   
   1. That frickin' baboon is doing it wrong and ruining everything.
      
   2. Why would I watch a man do a simple task?
      
5. When a man doesn't notice your new hair color it means…
   
   1. He no longer loves you.
      
   2. Hair has different colors?
      
6. After a man explains the undeniable logic of his point of view…
   
   1. It proves that he just doesn't get it.
      
   2. Case closed!
      
7. Your reaction to this test is…
   
   1. Bastard!
      
   2. Ha ha! You're dead, dude.
      

Sample test slightly modified from Scott Adams blog on this same topic.

10 Most Dangerous Toys

You really should read the original article for this. I certainly can't write this up any better than Paige Ferrari, but if you don't have the time, enjoy my excerpts from the original. Note that "we excluded BB guns, slingshots, throwing stars, and anything else actually intended to inflict harm."

The List

1. LAWN DARTS – "Removable parts? Suffocation risk? Lead paint? Pussy hazards compared to the grandaddy of them all…If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved."
   
2. GILBERT U-238 ATOMIC ENERGY LAB – "For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three 'very low-level' radioactive sources…It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope – U-238 – has been linked to Gulf War Syndrome, cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the longterm impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab."
   
3. MINI-HAMMOCKS FROM EZ SALES – "…children spending an afternoon like Gilligan became entangled in the net and strangled to death. That's what happens when you spend $4 on a hammock."
   
4. SNACKTIME CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS – "It chewed for chewing's sake. With no mechanism to turn off the munching should trouble arise, it was only a matter of time before some cherub's long blonde hair got caught in the doll's rabid jaws."
   
5. SKY DANCERS – "When spun aloft, the wings – which felt so soft and cushy in the aisles of Toys 'R' Us – turned into steely-hard child manglers…over 150 children fell prey to Sky Dancer's helicopter-blade arms and erratic 'Oh-Jesus-it's-chasing-me!' flying patterns."
   
6. BAT MASTERSON DERRINGER BELT GUN – "…[A] two-in-one combo that took care of all your pants-securing needs with the option every ten-year-old dreams of: the ability to shoot caps at groin level...Every young boy needs to learn the valuable lesson of always protecting his nether regions, with force if necessary, but given the positioning of the Derringer, the owner's greatest enemy might have actually been puberty."
   
7. CREEPY CRAWLERS – "Nothing says safety like an open hot plate. And nothing says fun like using that open hot plate to create molten, rubbery insects you can throw at your sister while narrowly avoiding setting the house ablaze."
   
8. JOHNNY REB CANNON – "For only $11.98, young rebels got a cannon, six cannon balls, a ramrod, and a rebel flag. What better way to permanently maim your little brother while spreading valuable lessons about states' rights?"
   
9. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA MISSILE LAUNCHER – "It takes just a few jabbed eyes, some torn intestines and the death of a child to bring down a party…"
   
10. FISHER-PRICE POWER WHEELS MOTORCYCLE – "Eager youngsters who gunned the throttle found that it often stayed gunned…the child on the motorcycle was then taken on a hellish, intestine-twisting scream ride. At one point, he or she would face choices unthinkable except in an Evel Knievel meets Knightrider crossover episode: Do I jump? Or do I ride it out and see if I can clear the gully? Is it sentient? Can it be reasoned with?"
    
11. (Honorable Mention) MANLEY TOYS DISCO LIGHT – "The brightly-colored disco ball cost 1,500 Chuck E. Cheese tickets. For the average skee-baller, that adds up to about 15 months of play at a cost of approximately $20,000…When left on too long, the ball's multicolored sides begin to melt. The plastic goop then slides down to your shag carpet, creating a foul smelling inferno of plastic, hair, and light bulb filament…The real danger here is probably less to dancing children than to the transfixed pot smoker."

She Uses Her Fingers

Since Dad and Lynn will be in Utah on Christmas Day, this past Saturday, we had several relatives over the house to celebrate Christmas with them. We had arranged beforehand to meet at my house around 11:30am so that we could eat by noon, and a little past 11:00 we got a call from Dad saying they were on their way from Allen. I wasn't really sure why they were coming from Allen since they live in The Colony (yes, that's a real TX city), but Caci clarified that Dad had to stop and get a haircut.

Still I was perplexed. Allen is a good 30 minutes from The Colony and there are probably 50 places to get a haircut between his house and wherever he went in Allen. "Why go all the way to Allen?" I wondered aloud, and Caci was prepared with the answer. It seems that she had asked the same question already and had received assurance that the hairstylist in Allen was the best for Dad.

"She uses her fingers," Caci said.

"Huh?" I know that's what you thought, too. "She uses her fingers for what?"

"I don't really understand either," Caci said. "I'm just passing along what Lynn told me."

Is Dad getting his hair cut by Edna Scissorhands? Or is she plucking each hair out one by one? Or is it neither and the dull edges of her fingers are the reason that he's running late.

Apparently, it takes a while to cut hair when you're using your fingers, and for good reason: you've got to mash the hair repeatedly until the heat generated begins to break down the molecular structure of the hair and allows for a clean break leaving a more natural look than barbaric, sharp-edged tools can provide. It takes years of practice and skill to accomplish this feat without leaving behind dead or split ends not to mention the painstaking detail of getting all the hair cut to an even length. I can't really afford that high-end of a stylist, so I just stick to the lady down the street and a set of clippers. Sure my hair looks like it's been cut after I leave there, but at least it's still the same day as when I went in.

Caci and I still aren't sure what's really special about using your fingers to cut hair, but we sure did enjoy laughing about it.